The Disgustingly Dark Side Of '90s Children's Cartoons
Like many dudes, I’ve been spending this sportsless isolation period binge watching ’90s cartoons, extensively researching their Fandom and Wikipedia pages, and thinking about sex (not necessarily in that order). My favorite series of the nostalgic toons from yesteryear is actually Arthur: an animation about an adventurous, anthropomorphic aardvark (Arthur) and an abundance af antagonists, allies, and academic acquaintances. To be honest, I wasn’t that crazy about the program as a young boy due to my aversion to snouts, but watching it back as an adult made me realize how good of a show it actually is. Holds up like an index finger. But that’s besides the point.
My biggest takeaway from my recent re-watching spree was that these lovable and seemingly innocent cartoons from our childhood were actually riddled with hidden sexual innuendos and vulgar euphemisms. I’m not talking about the obvious ones like Spongebob watching pornography or Ms. Frizzle having an overt cameltoe. I’m talking about the more subtle and less visible ones: the names given to these characters to intentionally and subliminally warp the minds of young kids - a common tactic used by the twisted and perverted sexual pests who created these shows. Let’s start with some mild examples from Arthur.
Buster Baxter
Sounds harmless, right? Notice anything, though? What about the word Buster? A person or thing that busts, huh? Now say the first three syllables of his full (erect) name aloud. Bust. Her. Back…..her back? One of the primary targets for busters if you ask me.
Going deeper….
Muffy Crosswire
Translation: Pussy Stunt
You know who does those types of risky/sexual extreme stunts? Porn stars. Perhaps foreshadowing?
(Screengrab from Arthur S21 E07: "2 Girls 1 Cup")
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Willie Whitehead
You know what that translates to, right? Yup. Penis Cumface.
Cousin Ryder
This character’s name actually wasn’t even inappropriate or sexual in nature. But it translates to “West Virginian” so I felt the biased need to include it in this blog.
Now let’s look at some more unsettling examples from other ’90s children cartoons.
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Warning: Some of these are a bit disturbing (especially for parents of young kids)
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Mrs. Pipe (The Ren & Stimpy Show)
Translation: Craves Dick
Johnny Meatseed (CatDog)
Translation: Johnny Cum
Lamar Bone (Doug)
Translation: Coke Dick/Billboard Porn
Principal Richard Hickey (Pepper Ann)
Translation: Dick Suckmark
Chad Dickson (Codename: Kids Next Door)
Translation: Date Rape
Skeeter Valentine (Doug)
Translation: ??? (Something sexual)
Regina “Gina” Rocket (Rocket Power)
Translation: Vibrating Dildo
Milton Chub (Berenstain Bears)
Translation: Fat Dave
Peter Highman (Bob the Builder)
Translation: Penis Vagina
Mr. Ratburn (Arthur)
Translation: Marty's Dick
Harry Herp (The Magic School Bus)
Translation: Even Grosser Herpes
Brain Powers (Arthur)
Translation: Super Head
Other's that don't even need an explanation or translation...
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Mr. Packenham (Hey Arnold)
Boomer Beaver (Tom and Jerry Kids)
Gotcha Grabmore (Tiny Toon Adventures)
Banger (Bob the Builder)
The Great Puttinski (Codename: Kids Next Door)
Fyst Pussy (Rocko’s Modern Life)
James Clitoris (Hey Arnold)
That's only the half of it, but I'll stop there for the sake of brevity. It's just no wonder that so many kids from the '90s grew up to become sex-obsessed psychopaths.