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Turns Out No One Is Buying Wheat Bread Because It Sucks

I don't have an adjoining study or some hardline facts to report alongside this discovery. Just a few seconds of a grocery store during the middle of this global pandemic and honestly it gives me hope. 

It gives me hope that, while panicked, the world is still up to date on Wheat Bread. We're still in arms that it was a fad from the early 2000's to give the food industry a little bump. That we agree that it's dry and shitty and awful and it uniformly makes any sandwich worse. And given an option WE would much rather have: 

- Pumpernickel 

- Rye

- SOURDOUGH (my #1)

- Classic white 

- French baguette

- Wonderbread

- Brioche

- Ciabatta 

- Naan

- Croissant or other delicate pastries that can be repurposed for a sandwich 

- Crepe

- Classic hamburger bun (sesame seeded) 

- English muffin

And that's just off the top of my head. All significantly better options than Whole Wheat falling apart in your mouth because you've got body issues and think your bread choices are holding you back. Elsewhere you've had a dozen tall boys and it's not even 5pm on a Saturday. But go ahead and tell me more about the natural benefits of your whole oat grain bread that needs to be stored in a freezer because the lack of preservatives means it goes south in 2 business days. 

Go ahead and tell me how much you love that bread. 

Personally, I think that bread fucking sucks. For all the money in the world I couldn't tell you with a straight face that wheat bread should ever get regular playing time on your bread team. I would be a dirty rotten liar and if I ever stoop to that level, I'd rather be dead, which brings me back to this. 

Fully stocked shelves of wheat bread couldn't give me any more faith in our species. While incontestably stupid and objectively oblivious (as a whole), you have to take pride that we can still unite on common grounds. 

In this case it's wheat bread. Maybe not the World Peace or climate change philosophy you had in mind, but it's a start in the right direction. After all, much worse people have done far less and walked away with Nobel Awards. It's not unreasonable to suggest Wheat Bread could be sharing the same stage in 2021 on the strength of this unity. 

Vladimir Putin has a higher approval rating in the US than Wheat Bread - your mom

Fast forward and we've disarmed all nuclear bombs and redistributed global love all because we realized no one likes shitty bread. A real Rocky 4 scene to close out the pandemic. If I can change, and you can change, and we all hate wheat bread, then let's start living together more peacefully. That's my kind of message. 

Hit it Rock.