Your Annual Ash Wednesday Blog
Cant believe its already this time of year again. Feels like just yesterday I was writing this blog for 2014 making fun of the Catholics. Time flies when you dont go to church!
Tis the season of Lent. 40 days and 40 nights of sacrifice to prepare you for Jesus dying. Or some shit like that. Something about a desert and fasting. If you believe Ancient Aliens, there was never any fasting. Jesus probably had a Manna Machine powered by the Ark of the Covenant (i.e. a nuclear reactor) that somehow fabricated food out of algae in the desert of something. But thats neither here nor there.
Anyway, here we are in 2020. Ash Wednesday. I figured after a few millenia rubbing soot all over your forehead would have lost its luster. Nope! First day of Lent and people are still smearing dirt on their faces. Now I'm no religious historian, but I'm pretty sure God doesn't give a shit if your face is filthy. Maybe he does. But that would be a real dick move. I bet all you suckers won't eat meat on Friday either. Go ahead, continue to soil your face and eat pizza on Friday, even though the other 99% of your life you spend watching porn and boozing and doing drugs. I'm sure God really appreciates all that shit.
I just want everyone who participates to own up to the fact that you're getting ashes just so other people see that you got ashes. It is the ultimate "Look at me! Look at me! I'm Catholic!" move. Seriously, there's absolutely no other reason for it. Its like every other archaic religious tradition went by the wayside but the one modern Catholics chose to stick with is the one where you get to walk around showing everyone just how Catholic you think you are. Buncha attention whores if you ask me. I'd bet the rent 90% of the people walking around with a dirty face don't even know what Ash Wednesday means. Just a chance to put your Christianity on display and get credit for going to church. Because if there's one thing in this world people love, its getting credit for shit. That that goes double when it comes to being religious. People don't wanna do any weird boring religious shit unless they get to let other people know they did weird boring religious shit. Ain't no better way to show you went to church than painting your forehead black with soot. Thats why it's all over Instagram. Dont you idiots know that Instagram is strictly for sugar babies with big butts? Asses, not ashes. Get your filthy face out of here.
Its not just the Gentiles either. The same applies for Jews and why they wear the yarmulke. Its like their version of ashes but they do it year round. Its like, hey guys don't worry! We can tell you're Jewish because you're wearing black work socks with shorts in the summer. You can take the coaster off your head. You look ridiculous.
So I'm of the school of thought that everybody is a fraud when it comes to these show-off religious traditions, but NOBODY is more fraudulent than the people who get drive through ashes. Every year theres articles about the churches across the country that offer Ashes-To-Go:
Michigan - St. David’s Episcopal Church of Southfield is holding a “Drive-Thru Ashes” event on Wednesday at their property’s driveway from 7:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Eastern Time. The Drive-Thru Ashes event is in addition to two worship services featuring both Communion and the imposition of ashes, at 12:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m. ET, respectively.“Episcopal churches have been doing what they call ‘ashes on the go’ for a long time,” explained Yaw, who credited the church’s music director with the idea. “So we made up some signs, we put a half mile down the road one way, half mile down the road the other way, ‘drive-thru ashes a half mile ahead.’
STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. -- Ashes will be distributed at the Staten Island Ferry terminal in St. George between 7 and 9:30 a.m. This convenience for morning commuters is a joint effort of Christ Episcopal Church in New Brighton and Trinity Lutheran Church in Stapleton, said Rev. Geri Swanson, deacon at Christ Church.
As the OG Head Catholic In Charge (HCIC) here at Barstool, I must address the triviality and frivolity of this Drive Thru Ashes nonsense. If you're about to hop on the Staten Island Ferry and you're leaning your neck out getting a smear as you're presenting your ticket, you're a fraud. I imagine the Priest just stands there with his thumb out and people just walk buy and brush their heads against it like some sinning assembly line. If you pull up in your Prius and Father leans into your car and crosses you up without you even needing to take your seatbelt off, you're a fraud. Its religion, not a car wash, folks.
As far as I'm concerned, theres one man and one man only who represents Ash Wednesday with sincerity. Theres one man who is qualified to walk around with a dirty forehead and not be an asshole for it. That man is Captain of the Charcoal. The Prince of the Palms. The Superhero of Soot. That man...is Tony Reali
Nobody rocks the Ashes like Tony. It suits him so well. Its almost like his signature look. Some people are recognized by their beard. Some people have memorable tattoos. Tony Reali has the Ashes. I feel like he should do it every Wednesday of the year. Hes the only normal guy alive who does it with authenticity. Sure, he happens to rock the fuck out of it on Around The Horn, but his heart is in the right place when he does it.
Bottom line is if you aint going into the church and you aint Tony Reali, you dont deserve the Dirt of The Lord. I'll see you at church on Easter, and then 6 months after that at Christmas. We're all bandwagon Catholics, lets just admit it. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Vroom. Full speed ahead for Twice A Year Catholicism.