BREAKING: Punxsutawney Phil Just Clipped Off Old Man Winter's Saggy Balls And Declared An Early Spring

Phil, you beautiful overgrown rat, you! I hope all the skier and snowboarder Stoolies enjoy shredding fresh pow pow while they can because the warm glow of Spring is coming sooner rather than later because some Tier 5 mammal at best declared it such. Well kinda because one top hat wearing mamaluke basically pushed his narrative on the entire thing and tried to overshadow a legend by making everything about himself like Joey Crawford used to do to Tim Duncan back in the day.

It doesn't matter though because P Phil is on the record that Spring will be sprung sooner rather than later, even though it doesn't feel like Old Man Winter has even come yet (probably because he is using Roman Swipes. That's Getroman.com/podfathers).

Don't get me wrong though, despite the tomfoolery in the selection process, it was an exciting morning in the Casa de Clem. My 5-year-old ran into my bedroom with great aplomb at 6:30 AM wishing everyone a Happy Groundhog Day with more energy than she ever did for Christmas morning. Then the excitement turned into straight electricity once we saw just how lit Punxsutawney was at that ungodly hour, which likely made any parties that took place in Miami last night seem like a high school kegger.

Cue the time I missed Shout at my wedding (The oversized Ben McAdoo suit was because I forgot to get it re-tailored at Men's Wearhouse clearly not because I had lost a bunch of weight):

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All in all, it was a good morning because I loathe winter and love weirdos, which today's celebration had no shortage of as this is the Top 1 weirdest thing Americans do on a yearly basis.

And that was your Clem-U-Weather Forecast. Now hit the motherfucking music!!!