The Top 30 NCAA Mascots (Replacement Homonym Edition)

I know you haven't, but have you ever wondered what the top replacement mascot would be for each of the NCAA D1 FBS teams, given you had to use an adequate homonym for their nickname? For example, the Arkansas Razorbacks wouldn’t be able to use any type of actual razorback hog as their replacement mascot, but they could use, say, the battery cartridge of a Phillips Norelco shaver or the trapezius muscle of Razor Ramon. Similarly, the Cal Golden Bears wouldn’t be able to use Winnie the Pooh, but the gold-plated memorial statue of Paul “Bear" Bryant would be permitted. Additionally, Tide laundry detergent, despite earning a revenue of over a billion dollars last year and being red in color, would not qualify as the Alabama Crimson Tide's replacement mascot because it is not quite crimson (strong red/purplish). Here's my top 30 NCAA replacement homonym mascots based on a variety of metrics, but predominantly success, fame, and notoriety. 

30.  Longhorns (Texas)

Replacement Mascot: Cody Horn, Actress/Model

The 5’10” celebrity is 8 inches longer than the average human female and worth about $3 million. Also, she played Jordan Garfield for a gutsy three episodes in the greatest and most intellectually complex piece of art of all time, The Office.

29. Yellow Jackets (Georgia Tech)

Replacement Mascot: Balenciaga Oversized Zipped Logo Jacket (Yellow)

This wildly stylish overgarment, which was publicly worn by fashion icons like Justin Guarini (From Justin to Kelly) and Haley Joel Osment (The Sixth Sense), retails for just under $2,000.

28. Broncos (Boise State)

Replacement Mascot: 1993 Ford Bronco used by OJ Simpson, Famous Getaway Car

The most infamous vehicle of the late 20th century almost sold for $1.3 million on Pawn Stars.

27. Cowboys (Oklahoma State, Wyoming)

Replacement Mascot: Me, Age 5, Student/Thespian

As a boy who once played the role of a cow in a critically-acclaimed school play, I earned the top replacement mascot for the OSU and Wyoming Cowboys. My idiosyncratic performance, which was dubbed "tolerable" by almost multiple family members and unintentionally lacked speaking roles and eye contact with other actors, earned me an M-CHAT evaluation from the top developmental pediatrician in West Virginia. 

26. Volunteers (Tennessee)

Replacement Mascot: Chris Brown, Musician 

One of the most illustrious volunteers of all time, Grammy-winning musician Chris Brown was sentenced to over 1000 hours of community service after violating his probation for the assault on girlfriend (at the time) Rihanna.

25. Pirates (East Carolina)

Replacement Mascot: Me, Age 19, Student/White Collar Criminal

One of the most notorious internet piraters in collegiate history, I achieved niche fame in the Northeast Ohio region when I was banned from Kent State University’s campus WiFi for illegally downloading Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 in 2012. At the time I was also worth tens of dollars.

24. Rebels (Ole Miss, UNLV)

Replacement Mascot: Rebel Wilson, Actress

The Australian Bridesmaids star is worth about $16 million.

23. Bobcats (Ohio U)

Replacement Mascot: Bob Ross's Cat, Famous Art Piece

This groundbreaking feline painting by legendary artist Bob Ross is estimated to be worth about $728,000.

22. Minutemen (UMass)

Replacement Mascot: Me, Age 26, Blogger

Standing at 5’7” and known in some circles as “The Usain Bolt of ejaculation,” I certainly qualify as a minute man, when it comes to both definitions of the word minute. I'm also estimated to be worth hundreds. 

21. Buckeyes (Ohio State)

Replacement Mascot: John Candy's Eyes, Famous Ocular Organs

Deceased Uncle Buck star John Candy’s amputated eyeballs are estimated to be worth about $400K each on the dark web.

20. Jayhawks (Kansas)

Replacement Mascot: James Steven Hawke (J. Hawke) 

The father and creator of world-famous actor and former Uma Thurman spouse Ethan Hawke is most likely worth millions of dollars. 

19. Rams (Colorado State)

Replacement Mascot: Rachel Anne McAdams (RAM)

The award-winning star of The Notebook and Wedding Crashers is hot and worth about $16 million

18. Bearcats (Cincinnati)

Replacement Mascot: Dan "Big Cat" Katz, Media Mogul 

This bare Katz, the frequently unclothed multimillionaire podcaster, is one of the most successful people in all of sports media. 

*He was also nominated as the top replacement mascot for the Washington Huskies, despite losing to Kevin James.

17. Golden Flashes (Kent State)

Replacement Mascot: Sam J. Jones, Actor

In my unbiased opinion, the golden-haired superstar of Flash Gordon earned the 17th ranking for his unforgettable performance in one of the top British-Dutch-American space opera films of the early 1980s.

16. Terrapins (Maryland)

Replacement Mascot: Norm Duke, Professional Bowler

One of the greatest professional bowlers of all time, Norm “Tear Up Pins” Duke (I’m terribly sorry for this) has won 40 titles on the PBA Tour and was notorious for permanently damaging pins with his high-velocity strikes.

15. Mean Green (North Texas)

Replacement Mascot: Seth Green, Actor

By portraying the villainous son of Dr. Evil in the famous Austin Powers series, Seth Green (Scott Evil) managed to secure the top replacement mascot for the North Texas Mean Green. He's worth about $40 million and has won multiple Emmys for his performance in Robot Chicken. He's also been documented as coming across as observably mean in public on multiple occasions.  

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14. Scarlet Knights (Rutgers)

Replacement Mascot: Bob Knight, Basketball Coach

I had to pull some strings for Rutgers to get them Bobby Knight, but after a persuasive PowerPoint presentation I was able to convince the committee that, due to the hue of his face when he’s angry and the primary color of the teams he played for/coached (Ohio State, Texas Tech, US Men’s Olympic Team, Indiana), he technically qualifies as a scarlet Knight.

13. Bears (Baylor)

Replacement Mascot: Bear Grylls, TV Star

The world-renowned survivalist is worth about $20 million.

12. Black Knights (Army)

Replacement Mascot: Martin Lawrence, Actor

The Black Knight and Open Season star is worth about $110 million and was nominated for three Kids' Choice Awards.

11. Rainbow Warriors (Hawaii)

Replacement Mascot: Amanda Nunes, MMA Fighter

The first openly gay champion in UFC history perfectly embodies the co-characteristics of a rainbow warrior.

10. Eagles (Boston College)

Replacement Mascot: Joe Walsh, Guitarist

The five time Grammy-winning rock and roll star of The Eagles is worth about $75 million.

9. Fighting Irish (Notre Dame)

Replacement Mascot: Conor McGregor, MMA Fighter

Since he doesn't biologically qualify as a violent leprechaun, the 5'6" UFC star and longtime friend of MMA journalist Robert Foxworthy III, managed to secure the spot as Notre Dame’s top replacement mascot. 

8. Miners (UTEP)

Replacement Mascot: Princess Charlotte, Princess

The 4-year-old member of the British royal family boasts a net value of more than £3 billion and is most likely the richest minor in the world. Aside from being born and merely existing, she has not even remotely done anything remarkable or meaningful for society, though.

7. Sun Devils (Arizona State)

Replacement Mascot: Adam Sandler, Actor

After a lengthy appeal process, the Sun Devils managed to successfully obtain Adam Sandler as their replacement mascot, due to the fact that he starred as the son of a devil in the critically acclaimed film Little Nicky. Sandler is worth about $420 million and has won multiple Golden Raspberry Awards for his performances in Big Daddy, Jack and Jill, and That's My Boy.

6. 49ers (Charlotte)

Replacement Mascot: Mariah Carey, Musician

Edging out the 1949 Menarsha synagogue terrorist attack and the top 49 episodes of the Emmy-winning medical drama television series ER, Mariah Carey, the 49-year-old singer, is one of the wealthiest and most successful musicians of all time.

5. Cougars (Houston, Washington State)

Replacement Actor: Madonna, Musician

Edging out John Mellencamp and Brandi Love, the 61-year-old pop icon is known for dating and sexually seeking out men who are decades younger than her. She’s also worth about $590 million and has won seven Grammys.

4. Tigers (LSU, Clemson, Auburn, Missouri, Whatever else)

Replacement Mascot: Tiger Woods, Pro Golfer

The world-famous golf phenom is widely regarded as one of the greatest athletes/adulterers of all time and has made over a billion dollars in career earnings.

3. Orange (Syracuse)

Replacement Mascot: The G Spot, Sexual Area

The “G Spot,” often colloquially refereed to as the “Orgasm Range” or “O Range,” is one of the mos- you know what, nevermind. Please disregard this entire blog, if you somehow managed to make it this far.

2. Monarchs (Old Dominion)

Replacement Mascot: King Maha Vajiralongkorn of Thailand, King

King Maha is the richest living monarch in the world with an estimated net worth of $30 billion.

1. Gamecocks (South Carolina)

Replacement Mascot: The Game’s Penis, Famous Sex Organ 

While we still don’t have the technology to accurately estimate the monetary worth of the modern male penis, hip hop artist The Game’s cock has successfully and consensually dicked down a sensational lineup of vixens, including Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Blac Chyna, Cyn Santana, Charli Baltimore, Aleska Jordan, Tiffany Webb, Mya, Keyshia Cole, Maliah Michel, Valeisha Butterfield,  Faith Barbee Jackson, Tila Tequila, Gloria Govan, Zena Foster,  Leaux Lolo Steez, India Westbrook, Karrueche, Priscilla Rainey, Rebecca Silvera, Indya Marie, Briona Mae, Kreesha Turner, Dailyn Donyelle, and Apryl Jones. The well-endowed appendage also produced three children, Harlem (age 16), King (age 12), and California (age 9).