Fappy New Year: PornHub Releases 2019's Horniest Stats & Figures (NSFW)

Here at Barstool we do a 'year in review' where Dave & Erika call a huge meeting & on the big screens they show us our facts, figures & highlights for the year. Odds are good a lot of people reading this have something similar at their workplace, and for the past seven years the same can be said for America's leading hand & wrist exercise establishment + natural sudden-nap aid, PornHub.

PornHub's 'year in review' (it's on the actual PornHub site so if you're at work maybe don't click that link) covers a host of horned-up bullet points with genuinely interesting infographics, perfect for a short attention span like mine: 

-The year in numbers

-Top porn star searches

-Traffic & time spent on the site

-Gender demographics

-Age demographics

-Devices & tech used for viewing

-Celebrity searches

-Movie & TV characters

-Video game searches

-How times like holidays & sporting events effect viewership

-Top 20 countries who watch, in depth

I won't cover them all (you can dig around in depth for yourself later) but here's some things that caught my attention:

-The year in numbers:

In 2019 there were over 42 Billion visits to Pornhub, which means there was an average of 115 million visits per day. One-Hundred-Fifteen Million – that’s the equivalent of the populations of Canada, Australia, Poland and the Netherlands all visiting in one day!

115 million visits per day. Dare I say, PornHub is keeping the oligarchs over at Big Sock, Lotion & Tissue rolling in dough. 

Hand (lubed) up - I'd be lying if I said I wasn't one of those visitors. People have needs & I'm a human being goddamnit, and an imagination can only go so far. Since I'm being honest, I'll go so far as to tell you where I can most commonly be found. Something about Ryan Creamer just does it for me... 

-Top porn star searches:

Hey! There's our gal Abella Danger at #4 with a whopping 308,434,198 hits. 

Coming in at around 303 million fewer views but impressive nonetheless... Abella's got 4,792,761+ views via Barstool for KFC Radio's Answer The Internet segment and nearly 100,000+ views for ASMR with Marty Mush & Tommy Smokes. I'd like to think Mush & Smokes totally had something to do with her 7pt rise from last year... 

Looking at this list I can't help but think of how great I feel when I know I've made someone laugh with one of my blogs or videos. On a very good day I'll get around five messages saying, "Hey, thanks for making me laugh!," which never gets old and legit brings me joy. Trying to replace 'laugh' with 'cum' here & 'five' with 'three hundred and eight million', and wow... that has to be an even better feeling. TYFYS ladies. (Thank you for your service.)

On the gentlemen's side...

Two of the 'top searched' guys on that list stood out to me were Johnny Sins & Owen Gray. 

Johnny Sins went to my almost-alma-mater Indiana University of Pennsylvania so I feel a special connection to the guy. Did he also stroll the halls of the Jimmy Stewart museum? Did Mr. Sins ever do a beer bong at my old rugby house in the glory days of yore? Did he wave at his mom through the campus's Oak Grove Cam long before another web cam took over his life? 

As for Owen Gray, if you've ever listened to the Chaps & Kate Show on SiriusXM, I can't shut up about the guy. It's become sort of a running joke that he's my all-time favorite porn star but in reality it's totes just a friend of a friend of mine that loves him. ha ha Not me! ha ha Apparently she likes his wacky alphabet tattoos and that, get this, he actually cares about getting the women off and appears to know how to do it without them having to fake it! He's confident AND he cares! What a treat! At least that's what my friend's friend tells me. ha ha

-Traffic & time spent on the site:

THE FAPPING FORCES OF JAPAN, CANADA & THE UK COMBINED HAVE NOTHING ON THE USA. TAKE THAT, LOSERS! LIKE THE FLAG OF OUR FATHERS ON IWO JIMA WE ARE A NATION STANDING FULLY PROUD & ERECT. 

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Some might say, "Well, yeah, we're #1 because we have the best internet connections & a ton of people & nothing is blocked here," and others might say, "That's sort of sad. Maybe more Americans are turning to the internet because they can no longer make human connections," but I say, "Suck it, Japan. Better luck next year dweebs!"

Taking a closer look at the USA, let's check out the 'time spent per visit' of each state, which according to PornHub seems to equate to who lasts the longest & who's a little uh, premature. Due to a personal spring break event in '06, I'd say Maryland is on the faster-blaster end of the stick, & I'd guess Alaska lasts longest because it has to be tough to focus when you're cold & the Internet connection is slow.

Ope! Way off..

Look at you Mississippi! No wonder people talk about 'Brandon Walker's worm farm' so much. Sheesh! The south just seems to really be crushing it… What they lack in education & dental care they more than make up for in the stroke game. It's for sure not the slow WiFi, not at all.

In other news, sincerest condolences to the ladies & tops of Kansas & Oregon.

-Gender demographics

Even though we're in the year 2020 I feel like many are still wayyy behind the times in their assumption that women aren't as sexual & don't consume porn & that it's still 'a guy thing'. This is simply not true, and I'm not saying that just because of the previous Owen Gray ramble. 

2019 saw the proportion of female visitors grow to 32%, an increase of 3 percentage points over 2018.

In fact, according to this map, the ladies are getting into some pretty freaky-deaky stuff out there…

The biggest shockers (heyyyo, no pun intended, ha ha) to me were ladies in West Virginia being into virtual reality, simply because it's hard for me to imagine anyone in West Virginia having the equipment for such a thing. For reasons I can't quite articulate I was delighted that Maine's thing is cumshots. Come to Maine for the lobster & foliage, stay for the cumshots. And I loved that Iowa & Missouri are a strange little midwest piss-fist kink stack. Whatever you're into, gals. Last but not least, if you have a lady partner in Rhode Island, you may soon find yourself in the cuck realm. Fair warning. And Maryland women, pls lay off the smoking. 

-Age demographics:

This made a lot of sense to me. Around age 36 many people have been married just long enough that the magic has waned & they're sort of soul-dead & they find themselves laying on one side of the bed going crazy inside. And even if the topic's broached, their partner is too tired (because many also have kids at this point), or if they're Large, they've had too much dairy & simply cannot in the moment. 

Side note - shout out to that 4% of the 65+ group still going strong, making sparks fly on those enormous JitterBug phones. 

-Devices & tech:

Speaking of JitterBugs, the vast majority of folks use their cell phones. 

In 2019, mobile devices made up 83.7% of all Pornhub’s traffic worldwide.

This was followed by computers & then a small fraction of tablet users. 

I'm kicking myself for not remembering the comedian's name, but I was at a show here in NYC & the whole room roared with acknowledgment when the guy said the saddest part of watching porn was when the screen goes black at the end after you're finished & you see your own sad, spent, fat-necked reflection looking back at you, and you try to avoid eye contact with your own self. Ah, the shame.

Whatever device you use, that part is tough to avoid. 

-Events, holidays & sports

Good to know that when the government was shut down our politicians didn't have idle hands. Your tax dollars extremely rock-hard at work.

And though things like government shut downs & cold weather snaps spike viewership, sports are a lose/lose for PornHub no matter which team wins. I believe their huge Super Bowl decrease last year was due to everyone watching our own resident porn star, Dave, get dragged out instead. His legs were as limp as the viewers ignoring their beloved 'Hub during the big game. 

No word on how much their porn streams decreased during our Duncan Awards last year but I'm sure it was notable.

Again, this was just a small review of their review, so if you want to see ALL the bases covered check out their full 'year in review'. Should I say review one more time in this paragraph? Review. Anyways, it's something I get a kick out of every year. 

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And Owen Gray, long time stoolie, if you're out there between finger-blast sesh's reading this… I think you & my friend's friend could build something amazing together, dick by dick.

*That was an extremely creepy ending that even I'm uncomfortable with but I spent WAY too much time on this blog & needed to stop it somehow.

In closing as a palate cleanser, have a slice: