It's That Time of Year When Everyone Says the Pats Dynasty is Over and Then Later Denies Ever Saying It
Ah, New Years. A time of reflection and hope. When the celebration of the season fills the senses. The sight of Christmas lights. The touch of the warm embrace of loved ones at midnight. The taste of champagne. The aroma of champagne farts and vomit. And the sounds of the annual Danza Macabre – the Dance of Death – as a Patriots hating world declares in one voice that the Dynasty is over, once and for all.
It’s a time of year to be embraced, truly. It’s our annual reminder of how wrong they’ve been for so terribly, terribly wrong. It’s a Doomsday Cult who continues to set the exact time of the world’s ending. And in the case of the Bradichick Dynasty, FS1 has literally used a countdown clock:
And when the moment passes and we’re all still here, the Cult claims they just miscalculated, re-does the math, then resets the clock to the next Armageddon and ask us to believe them, rather than simply admit the source of their data is their own asses.
The best part is when roll this out every New Years like it’s the first time they’ve ever thought the Dynasty was finished, much less said it was. Ignoring the modern truth that, unlike the Doomsday Cults of the past – the Millennial Panic of 999 A.D., the Mayan Calendar ending in 2012 or the Hale-Bopp Comet crackpots – these Nostradami are still around to be force fed their own words.
The Boston Globe from mid-December of last year, for example:
Or this excerpt, from Dan Shaughnessy:
It was great while it lasted, but even a pigheaded Patriots pigskin buff must acknowledge that the dynasty is over.
There was a time, not long ago, when there was a Patriot Way. Now the Patriots have lost their way. They are just another … playoff team, and not a likable one at that. …But this was a horrible season for the once-infallible Belichick. … And yesterday, by his own admission, he was outcoached. …
Pitchers and catchers report Feb. 18.
Here’s the Freshness Date on that one:
In fact, here’s a very well done compilation of them over a span of years and from all over the internet:
And let’s not forget Stephen A. Smith at the start of last year’s playoffs:
Followed quickly by Stephen A. himself saying that just because he ranked the eventually Super Bowl champion below a bunch of QBs who have fewer playoff wins than he has rings is no reason for Tom Brady to feel slighted in the least:
Advertisement
And that’s the final step in process. The pattern goes like this:
1. Declare the Patriots Dynasty is done
2. Listen for them to use that as motivation
3. Say that it’s ridiculous for them to say they were disrespected.
4. Watch them win again.
5. Claim you never doubted them for a second.
6. Return to Step 1.
Right now we are between Step 1 and Step 2. And a win over the Titans Saturday will bring us to Step 3, which we witnessed last year after the Pats crushed the Chargers. With perfunctory the pearl clutching and fainting couch flops from the football press that was stunned and outraged the Patriots would dare suggest no one believed in them:
Advertisement
So enjoy your holiday once again. Listen to everyone at your party lament the untimely demise of the 21st century’s one true sports dynasty. Let them express to you how this year feels different somehow and that’s how they’re positive that this time we are finally at the end of all things.
But be smarter than that. Remind them that we’ve been hearing this same plaintive, mournful song since that goddamned David Tyree catch. They were wrong then and for the 11 years since. And I for one am going to keep standing my ground. Being right all the time, like winning, never gets old.