Hey There Red, White And Beautiful... Here's The Worst Dating Profiles In The US Military
From 07:54 – 29:11 on today’s episode of ZeroBlog30 we talk about military members on dating apps, and I share some of the worst profiles I could find. I also made one of them up & you’ll have to listen to the show to figure out which one is fake, but the rest are painfully, painfully real. (Feel free to throw your guess in the comments though.)
EXHIBIT A)
Age: 19 / Infantry, United States Army
Hello there, Red, White and Beautiful! Are you tired of weak Beta Males who drink Soy lattes? Soy is for pussies and I’m here to grab yours.
I like my women how I like my coffee.. Hot and Ready in the morning.
Every time I get an erection a Bald eagle cries out in American Pride, and the Flag flys a little harder.
A lot going on in this one. Beta males, soy boys, grabbing puss, sexual innuendo via coffee reference, eagles, misspellings. This guy isn’t compensating for anything. Not at all. In any way. Nope, not this guy.
EXHIBIT B)
Age 22 / 2nd LT US Army / United States Military Academy
Best tongue game in the state. Excellent cook. Can entertain any discourse on art or literature. Big dick.
Captain Cons… is this you???? And yeah, this guy definitely went to West Point because he had the deep need to interrupt his clam slurpin’ big dick vibes to let you know he’s real smart.
EXHIBIT C)
Age 27 / U.S. Marine Corps
I’m a fighter, not a lover. Dating is bullshit, not interested in chasing you. No fat girls nor leftover women. I’m very successful so my time is precious. I don’t care about your wants and needs. Most of you are worthless and just want to get rekt. I’m immune to your seduction, and cunnilingus is for soy boys. I’m full of song and dance.
At first it seems like this gent has a lot of red flags, but then he reels you in at the end. Full of song and dance? I want in on that.
EXHIBIT D)
Age 42 / School of Hard Nocks / United States Navy
Baby let me float your boat and sink my D into all your portholes. The only sub this sailor needs is a sub-missive woman who caters to my every need. If you do that, I promise I’ll take care of you so good you’ll never want another man.
Have 2 sons from a previous marriage who are my world. Love my motorcycle. Fill in my bitch seat and we’ll cruise.
As if the bio weren’t bad enough, the same woman who posted the bio of this guy posted the conversation they had (above) and it’s a doozy. Clearly this man is a hero.
EXHIBIT E)
Age 23 / BAH Hunter (Basic Housing Allowance = If you marry a troop you get their health insurance & ‘basic housing allowance’, so basically, your rent is covered…)
Hey ya’ll, looking to find someone who wants out of the barracks, take cute pictures, cuddle, have sex, go to the ball, drink beer and make a life while we’re here in Jacksonville.
I’m constantly told I’m beautiful and sexy soooo if you’re interested I’ll give you my number and send pics. I have tattoos with 13 piercings, only ones on my face. Love guns, cars, fishing, and truck pulls.
The above was a real dating app bio I saw, but somehow I forgot to screenshot/save it and I couldn’t find it again to post. This might seem red-flaggy to anyone over the age of 21, but if you’re a hot-blooded individual stuck on a sausage-fest military base, this probably seems like an automatic YES.
Ok, last one –
EXHIBIT F)
…and the F stands for “this profile totally Fucks” so JJ-DID-TIE-BUCKLE UP:
Age 22 / Master of Manipulation at Verizon / Miami University (of Ohio)
Hey dumbass boots, yes you are a boot. 100%.
I have free crayons. Don’t get offended, you’re in the marine corps.
I HAVE MAJOR GUY ISSUES.
Who’s wanting BAH?
Mixologist – so I mix drinks and feelings.
If you like comedy add me.
Then she includes her Instagram & snapchat & I can confirm this is a real person…
If you’re bigger than 3 inches swipe left
I wanna tongue fuck your butthole
I’m looking for that dirty dick boy to piss in my mouth
I HAVE A WHOLE ALBUM ON SPOTIFY APPLE MUSIC ABOUT MARINES, just download it.
For those not in the military, a ‘boot’ is like a ‘newb’. It’s troops who are brand new to the fleet, haven’t deployed yet, and don’t know anything. They’re the babies. And the crayon joke is a common trope about Marines being so dumb we eat crayons. (I’ve only done this once.) In the music world she’s known as C-MONEY and she’s got songs like Alpha, Boot Ass Bitch, Ready To Blow, and Dirty Ass Marine and you better believe I checked them all out.
BTW, Boot Ass Bitch totally slaps. Check out C Money on Spotify and who knows, maybe you’ll find that she’s the one for you.
As for the rest of the ZeroBlog30 episode:
29:12 – 33:00 = A veteran from PA went to D.C. thinking he was just there to tour the WWII memorial, but he ended up getting the surprise of a lifetime, and a medal that was a long time coming.
33:01 – 01:26:44 = Our interview with former Speaker of the House John Boehner. He talks about growing up as one of twelve siblings, his new involvement with the marijuana industry after a career of voting against it, skyline chili three-ways, his decision to step away the day after the Pope came to visit, crying, and why my hair looks like dog-shit.
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01:26:45 – end of show = Blink 182’s Tom Delonge and his Alien Academy. UFOs are REAL, sheeple. The Navy has confirmed it!
You can check this episode out along with our other 200 eps HERE. We’ve got astronauts, congressmen, spies, Medal of Honor Recipients, presidential candidates, veterans doing amazing things after their time in service, authors, athletes and all sorts of amazing guests to hear from, and you don’t have to be military-related to enjoy.
Say it ain’t so, please like our show, like and subscribe, don’t be a butt-hole…