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There's A Chimpanzee On The Loose In Texas And I've Seen How This Story Ends Before

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SANTA FE, Texas – There are reports of an animal that may be a chimpanzee on the loose in the Santa Fe area, an animal shelter director and a parks official told ABC13 Tuesday.

According to Bayou Animal Services, the loose animal was last spotted Monday in the area of 19th Street and Avenue O.

Shelter staff initially said they’ve received reports the animal has harassed people and dogs and had attempted to take cats, but those claims could not be verified Tuesday afternoon. As of Tuesday afternoon, Bayou Animal Services has been using a drone from League City Animal Control. Officials, though, called off a search despite the animal still being on the loose.

No pun intended here or anything, but this is a classic case of guerilla marketing if I’ve ever seen it. I mean this is exactly how every MVP movie has started so far. First up, Jack the chimp gets loose from wherever he’s been staying. First he took off on his own from the wildlife refuge and he turned into the greatest hockey player the world has ever seen in Most Valuable Primate. Then he left the team on his own and turned into the gnarliest skateboarder the world has ever seen in Most Vertical Primate.

Now? Well if this monkey is on the loose in Texas, maybe he’s on his way to becoming one of the greatest high school football players in the nation. Or what would be even better is if he decided to become a bull rider. Could you imagine a movie about a little monkey who rides bulls? You’re telling me that wouldn’t get at least a 95% on Rotten Tomatoes? Get out of here. Rarely do I ever actually go to the movies and never have I needed to see a movie so bad that I’d wait in line to see it on the opening night. But I would see a movie about a monkey riding a bull at least 10 times in theaters.

So congrats to the MVP franchise on their new ad campaign. You didn’t fool me, but it was a great attempt anyway. Now just do me a favor and take the chimpanzee back before it hurts a dog. People I’d be fine with, but let’s not have the dogs get caught in the middle of this. They don’t even know the movie exists.

@BarstoolJordie