Gronk's 'Big Announcement' Turns Out to Be He's Getting Into the Cannabis Business

Unless you’re one of those losers who spends the summer traveling, golfing, going to the beach and cooking, eating and drinking outdoors instead of obsessing over the career choices of a 29-year-old, you’ve known for weeks now that Rob Gronkowski had a “big announcement” scheduled for this morning. And unless you’re a complete ignoramus without the first clue about how the world actually works, you knew that this “announcement” was going to be anything but “big.” That in all likelihood, it was going to be Gronk signing to promote an energy drink or a motorsports rally or something. Personally, I gave that a 93.9% probability:

And obviously – stop me if you’ve heard this a million times before – I was right.

I’ll question the promotional strategy of announcing you’re going to announce something, and have that something turn out to be an infomercial for your new business. Especially when the whole world has been waiting to hear you say something that will directly effect their lives and their Fantasy teams. “Underpromise and overdeliver” is the first bullet point on the syllabus in Marketing 101 class. But God bless him, it worked. Gronk’s big reveal is getting the attention he hoped for.

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And good for him. Like I’ve make it clear before, the Demon Weed is not my thing, but I don’t judge. It’s not a moral issue in the least; it’s just a matter of preference. I prefer my self-indulgent vices in liquid form and with as many cigars as I can without paying the Smoker Premium on my Chernin health insurance.

But for a while now I’ve been hoping medical research would find a direct link proving cannabis relieves the harm caused by playing football. Whether that’s pain relief, recovery or brain trauma. It would expose the utter hypocrisy of a league that makes a significant amount of its money from selling sweet, sweet booze and whose medical staffs prescribe enough meds to these players to win them the Preakness, but deals with players who use cannabis the way Joe Friday used to talk to hippies who dropped acid.

I hope it works for Gronk and his business is a huge success. Christ, how can you not when you hear this freakish specimen, who was formed out of a 265 pound block of pure testosterone, was in agony after winning the Super Bowl? Nobody should have to live like that. And if the cannabis oil and edibles or whatever give him peace so he can get some sleep, you’d have to be the worst kind of sadist to want to deny him that because you think CBD use goes against your moral code.

As for me, I’ll just keep hoping that Mr. Recovery feels good enough to get back on the field, ASAP. And that, in the meantime, before he needs to get the CBD out of his system, I get to see him high as a lab rat at least once. It would be the experience of a lifetime.