I'm Declaring a Moratorium on All Talk About When Brady and Belichick's Careers Will End

Last night I found myself at the 19th hole at Green Harbor Golf Course on the South Shore (If you can imagine that. Me. Drinking. With people.) surrounded by a friend, his family and a few different groups of guys, most of whom are Barstool readers. Mostly they wanted to talk Patriots. Which, along with the golf, beer consumption and avoiding the things I should’ve been doing around the house, would make the list in the song “These are a Few of Jerry’s Favorite Things.”

They were great guys. And I can’t shut up about how excited I am for this team. But inevitably, as always, the subject turned to whether Tom Brady is going to retire, if he’s going somewhere else, why his house went on the market, why Alex Guerrero’s house is on the market:

… and whether Bill Belichick will hang it up once Brady is gone or is it his career goal to prove the GOAT of coaching/GMing can win without the quarterback GOAT.

For the last couple of years, two or more Pats fans haven’t been able to be in the same room without this subject coming up. I’ve done probably 200 TED Talk-style presentations about the books I’ve written (own yours today!) and some variation of the questions comes up every, single time. I appreciate the interest and can totally respect the inquiry because it’s a fascinating, relevant topic. But going forward, I’m changing my answer. From now on, ask me how and when I think it’s going to end for these two and I’m answering it one way.

STOP.

Seriously, can we knock it off with the morbid curiosity about how this run is going to end already? We are witnessing the greatest stretch of sustained excellence in the history of American popular culture. No team in any sport is supposed to be this consistently great for this long. Neither is any athlete. Neither is any coach or GM. This simply does not happen. And it gets more remarkable by the year, the week, the day, the minute. Yet, rather than just marvel at it and fully appreciate the grandeur of it, we obsess over trying to figure out how it’s going to end.

I just don’t get the fixation. As we sit here in mid-August, I look at the 2019 Patriots and see them as loaded as they have been in years. Even without Rob Gronkowski. Their defense has every chance of being their best since the 2003-04 back-to-back champs. They played five incredible halves out of six last postseason, which was the toughest playoff schedule they’ve faced in the Dynasty era. They’re stacked in the secondary. Deep at linebacker. With returning second year players and promising rookies all over the place. They’re returning four of their five championship O-linemen who allowed one sack in the postseason against some of the best rushes in the league. And they’ve got the aforementioned quarterback who’s throwing the ball harder than he ever has and did better than his career averages across the board last year. With all that in mind, worrying about when and how it’s going to end is grim and weird and I’ll tolerate it no more.

I’ve got a couple of those buddy’s who love to be the contrarian. Who I hear from every time Brady has a below average game, rare as that is. One of them came at me a while back armed with all sorts of numbers proving Brady’s in decline. And he loves posting this shit on Facebook in the same way kids like throwing rocks at a hornet’s nest. I finally told him that I love a good debate. And I appreciate anyone who backs up his argument with stats. But had to ask him what he gets out of it. Is it fun? Is the goal to have your grandson on your knee and when he asks about what it was like to watch Tom Brady you can tell him proudly “Grandpa was the first guy to tell everyone he sucked”? He’s a big Bruins guy so I said, “If you and I knew each other in 1976 and you had the internet, would you be spending all your time proving to me that Bobby Orr was in decline and wouldn’t last much longer?” Which he admitted got him right where he lived. For the record, that was three years ago. The Pats have been in every Super Bowl since, won two and Brady is averaging 411 yards in those games. But he’s still making the case that THIS year he’ll finally be gone. Yeah, have fun with that.

It reminds of this cartoon that Matt Groening used to do before “The Simpsons.” It was called “Life in Hell,” and was pure, subversive genius. It was mainly about a rabbit named Binky:

And one I always remember was about a dozen panels that starts out with Binky being born. And there’s a disembodied voice saying words to the effect, “You’re doomed.” In the next panel he’s a happy little kid and the voice says, “It’s not going to end well.” And as he goes through his life, grows up, has sex, gets married, has a family, the voice just keeps saying stuff like “It’s useless” and “You’re just kidding yourself.” Finally he’s an old man lying on his death bed surrounded by loved ones after leading this long, happy, wonderful life and the voice finally says, “See? I told you so.”

That to me sums up the Patriots Doomsday Culters perfectly. Consciously deciding they are going to fixate on the End of Days instead of reveling in the unlikely majesty and improbable longevity of this Dynasty. As Jules Winnfield put it, this is a miracle and I want you to acknowledge it. Enjoy this. Live in the moment. Appreciate what you are blessed to be witness to. Don’t squander it by worrying about the dire future that has been predicted for years that keeps not happening. Live in the present and be happy.

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Mostly, stop asking me about the end because I’m declaring a moratorium on all such talk. You can thank me for changing your world view next time we’re in a bar together.