A Scientific Study Finds That Porn is Destroying the Environment

Source – The transmission and viewing of online videos generates 300 million tonnes of carbon dioxide a year, or nearly 1 per cent of global emissions. On-demand video services such as Netflix account for a third of this, with online pornographic videos generating another third.

This means the watching of pornographic videos generates as much CO2 per year as is emitted by countries such as Belgium, Bangladesh and Nigeria.

That’s the conclusion of a French think tank called The Shift Project. Earlier this year, it estimated that digital technologies produce 4 per cent of greenhouse gas emissions and that this figure could soar to 8 per cent by 2025. …

Online video accounted for 60 per cent of global data flows in 2018, the report states, or 1 zettabyte of data (one thousand billion billion bytes). The report’s definition of “online video” does not include live video streaming such as Skype video calls, “camgirls” or telemedicine, which account for another 20 per cent of global data flows.

Nice going, guys. Way to doom us all. I guess your free online porn isn’t so free after all.

This is obviously a serious situation. I mean, I’ve always been content to ridicule guys like Al Gore for saying the world is overpopulated and we use too much energy while pumping out four kids of his own and living in a heated/air conditioned house the size of my hometown. Or DiCaprio for nagging us about fossil fuels from the podium at the Oscars before hopping a Gulfstream to the Mediterranean to go bang lingerie models on one of the world’s largest yachts. The kind that measures its consumption in gallons per mile. But my mockery is obviously no more use in solving this problem than their hypocrisy.

Not to go all Captain Planet on you, but this calls for immediate action. And sure, we could ask Belgium to take one for the team and stop using electricity altogether. And they probably would because they seem like a pretty nice country. But no. This calls for the shared sacrifice of all pornography-consuming, environmentally-conscious, caretakers of this planet who care about protecting the Earth for future generations to start doing their part.

What does that mean exactly? I’m not sure. But we’ve got to do something. Because you’ve got to realize that every hour you spend looking for just that right video where the stepsister seems plausibly related to the guy by marriage, you’re melting an ice floe that could be home to a polar bear. And like the scientists, I’m not even measuring your camgirl seshes. Which probably make you worse than the dentist that killed Cecil the Lion.

So maybe instead of wasting all sorts of time searching for one where the amateur MILF doesn’t look like a professional, you take the first one you see, regardless, use your imagination and be done with it. You’re heating the planet enough with your constant friction, try not to make it worse by using up more than your share of the one thousand billion billion bytes. Maybe instead of tissue, you can use the same sock over and over. And hand wash it in the sink instead of the washing machine. Or if you finish into a cup, go with a reusable instead of plastic. If you drink while you watch porn, cut the rings of your 6-pack holder so it doesn’t choke fish or aquatic birds. And perhaps every time you do rub one out to porn, you can pick up an equal amount of pieces of trash from our streets, parks and beaches. That’ll make this place look like the Garden of Eden in no time.

I’m not telling you to never watch porn. Though I think that would help. What I’m asking you is to simply do your part because this is the only planet we’ve got. Let’s all do what we can to make sure that all our porn-related emissions are zero emissions.