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Canada Is Cancelled

From this…

To this…

When was the last time anyone said anything bad about Canada? The joke about Canadian’s being the nicest people on earth and apologizing fo everything is extremely worn out, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. Canada has pitched a perfect game for 150 years. It’s a country with virtually no enemies. I googled “most shameful moments in Canadian history” and all their skeletons are illustrated with black-and-white photos from forever ago. For example, the commercial seal hunt:

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Apparently it’s pretty easy (encouraged? Celebrated?) to murder seals in Canada. For shame! Eh. Who cares. Seals aren’t endangered. They’re the pigeons of the ocean. We’re never going to shame Canada for clubbing seals when you’ve got poachers taking out elephants in Botswana. Elephants > seals in every aspect.

After that, it’s an uninspired serial killer here, some polluted lakes there—nothing to lower a flag for, really. When it comes to bad PR, Canada simply cannot compete with the rest of the world. Or at least they couldn’t, until last night.

With one indecorous ovation for a fallen Warrior, Canada—THE COUNTRY—tumbled off the good guy throne and awoke to find itself huddled over a trash barrel fire, warming its hands through fingerless gloves under an overpass in a bad part of town. It’s a long, hard road to redemption for those disgraced hosers.

What can they do? It all starts with their prime minister. They’ll have to elect someone super cool after Trudeau. Maybe a Chinese-Canadian lesbian war vet who runs a hybrid animal shelter/energy farm that harnesses power from the wheels of abused rodents; a candidate whose tool shed once served as a destination on the Underground Railroad, but now serves as a storage unit for her burgeoning jam business that will one soon employ all nine of Canada’s incarcerated felons. What war did she fight in? Why, the great commercial seal hunt war of 2020, of course. She fought on behalf of the seals, probably, given the animal shelter thing.

Oh, and the Raptors will have to lose to the Warriors. Sorry guys. That’s PR 101. Far easier to forgive a loser than a winner.