If You Don't Use a Butter Straw For Your Popcorn At The Movies Then I Can’t Trust You

Last night I took my mother to the movies. Yes, I’m 25 and still live with my mother. I am moving out in three months so save me your mockery. I’m a better son than you are and last night I treated her with a night out of the house.

We saw Godzilla, in case you were wondering, but right before we entered our theater, I had to make a quick pit stop at the butter machine, aka my best friend. I cannot get enough of butter. I’m sure that’ll come back to get me when I have a heart attack before I turn 30, but for now it’s great. As I approached the machine I went and pulled out a straw. These two young women, who had just finished buttering their snack like peasants, watched as I stepped up to the plate. They knew something special was about to happen.

I grabbed a straw, undid the wrapper, and ducked underneath the butter dispenser like I was about to do some mechanic work on a car (I have no idea how to even go about changing a tire). Once I lined up the straw to the hole, I placed the straw into my popcorn and led the butter down to the core. It was magical and the girls dropped their jaws. Just like that I was getting butter distributed to all kernels, instead of just the top layer. This is like in the movie Armageddon when they initially want to set off the bombs from the asteroid’s crust. That doesn’t do anything for you. You have to drill to the core of the asteroid and set them off there for the full effect. Yeah we just compared buttering popcorn to blowing up an asteroid.

These two women looked at me like I just invented fire. They had never seen anything like it. Their whole lives have been a lie up until that point. It’s 2019, if you’re not using a straw for your butter in your popcorn then I can’t trust you with anything. I assume you don’t know how to function as a normal human being. I mean what are we doing here folks? The amount of replies calling me a god and saying I deserve the Nobel Prize were astonishing last night. This isn’t something I invented. This has been around for years. I’ve been doing this since high school. This is the life hack of all life hacks and you guys act like this was invented yesterday. Figure it out people.

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Real quick, has this guy be living in prison his whole life without knowing it?

You’ve never be to a movie theater where they let you butter your own popcorn? Buddy, figure it out.

If I changed your life today then a thank you is not necessary. Not all heroes wear capes. Some just have a receding hairline. You are welcome, America.