I Would Like To Drop My 'Large Package' On Dave's 'Big Brain'
Are those Big Brain people still around?
I know we have at least 10 episodes in the hopper, to be released every Wednesday at 2 PM, but maybe they can squeeze in one more because I think I found the next big thing… An idea so great, I nearly blew myself away.
Here’s the premise – I don’t hate my kids, but I don’t like them sometimes. Specifically, I can’t fucking stand driving with my children.
However, as I was driving down the shore with the whole family in tow the other day, I think I came up with the solution to my problem… The Large Package.
It’s a custom package that should be offered by every car company for every SUV they sell. It’s essentially a cross between a limousine and a cop car.
I will use the GMC Yukon as an example because hundreds of distracted housewives in yoga pants buzz around my town in those tanks every day, dropping off and picking up their kids from school, sports practices, play dates, vape sessions, rainbow parties, etc.
The design of the front seat will be untouched. It will still be 2 standalone captain’s chairs with a console in between.
The back cabin of the truck will also be virtually unchanged. Normally that entails 2 more captain’s chairs in the second row, bench seating behind that in the third row, and then some empty storage space for groceries, pets, or adopted/ugly children in the way-back.
It will be the elaborate intercom system and retractable soundproof 2 way glass divider splitting these two cabins that will be the only factory modification necessary.
The aforementioned 2-way glass will only give the occupants of the front seat the ability to look into the back cabin, and that is a necessary benefit for a host of reasons… The most obvious is for the driver to be able to use his/her rear view mirror effectively.
However, the little pricks in the back will NOT be able to see up front unless the divider is lowered, and that is also a benefit for so many reasons. Some of which may not be so obvious.
First off, the animals in the back won’t be able to see if you are watching them pull their sister’s hair or steal their brother’s headphones, leaving the parents up front in full control of the narrative of whether or not they “saw the whole thing” during the inevitable argument that will ensue between siblings.
Plus, there will be a police-grade security camera recording everything that goes on in the back once that car’s ignition is ignited. That footage will be destroyed and recorded over every 48 hours in order to preserve sanity and storage space.
Secondly, if there is still some magic left in your relationship with your spouse… And perhaps the right song comes on the radio (there are 2 zones for music so your kids can be listening to some generic face-tatted mumble rapper in the back all they fucking want without you having to bear witness to the state of modern music)… And let’s just say that song that comes on in the civilized cabin is “Freak Like Me” by Adina Howard or anything by Sade (pronounced sha-DAY)… And lets say that song causes a significant amount of blood flow to either of your undercarriages.
Well, if that perfect storm occurs, you can go knuckle deep in the bride, or she can beat the skin of your dick with the liabilities in the back being none-the-wiser.
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Or maybe even you’ll end up on the business end of the old elusive…
(that’s 2 fellatio related GIFs so far, and I’m not even half-way done)
Whatever you decide to do in the front seat of a moving car as consenting adults, doing it outside of little prying eyes keeps the marriage fresh and the potentially snooping kids out of therapy.
The divider can be lowered or raised from either cabin but the front seat has the ability to lock the back out of that option when the need arises (see road head above). And the same functionality goes for the intercom that provides the only source of communication once that soundproof divider is up.
Maybe this sounds silly to some, but for people with kids who are about to head either out East or down the Jersey Shore later today, just imagine loading the steerage into the back with all their iPads, sippy cups, Highlights Magazines, and AirPods. Then envision getting 2 nice travel mugs… One filled with coffee for your wife/driver. The other filled with bourbon for you.
Then, while looking through an open divider as you tell your bundles of debt to “buckle up”, you slowly slide that very same divider closed with the simple push of a button just as a particularly annoying Little Yachty X song starts to drone forward from the way-back and your ugliest kid asks, “Are we there yet?”
And once that divider closes you and the bride can just exhale and take a deep pull out of your respective travel mugs as you tune the dial to Studio 54 radio on SiriusXM and begin your journey towards peace and quiet.
Now onto the big ending…
Enjoy the weekend everyone… And in the immortal words of Jim Morrison, “Keep your eyes on the road your hands upon the wheel.”
But when Sade comes on, might as well turn to the wife with another Morrison gem…
You certainly deserve it.
Take a report.
-Large
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BarstoolGOLD will launch another Extra Large at 10 AM today, and Willie and Francis had a couple funny “Welcome On Back” episodes on that same platform earlier this week…
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Last fellatio related GIF…
