Some Psychopath Anarchist Is Currently Pulling Emergency Brakes On NYC Subways For Fun

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Some people just want to watch the world burn. I can understand these urges from a 9-year-old. We all had that mindset once. As youngsters, we wanted action—to bring this about, to catalyze events. I used to poke things all the time. Hornet nests, birds, jellyfish… the natural world cowered before me. But eventually, you learn right from wrong and separate yourself from lawless behavior. You grow the fuck up.

Not this guy. Not this “nutcase who is addicted to fucking with the trains.” Dude has a vendetta against society and structure and is acting out like a petulant bitch. Probably goes home to some shitty, windowless broom closet where the walls are plastered in news clippings about his handiwork. Bet he eats a lot of cold soup. And watches bad porn. The really bad kind.

Let’s find him. And when we do, bring him to a Home Depot and let Denzel do a Supermarket Sweep run that ends at the brake-puller’s tethered, naked body. Maybe let the directors of Hostel and Law Abiding Citizen sit down for an hour to brainstorm some fun. No safe words, no off switches. Pure, limitless torture to offset the delays this guy foisted upon NY subway riders with no regard for human life. And at the very end of it, we’ll throw his mutilated corpse on the third rail and clap as an MTA announcer tells us “the train is delayed because of a sick passenger ahead.”