Here Is My Official Avengers: Endgame MVP Ballot

Please disregard the Fandango logo or Vision’s dead robotic ass as I couldn’t find a better picture with most/all the characters from Endgame than this

Now that Endgame has been out exactly two weeks and the Russo Brothers officially lifted the spoiler ban, I figured it was time to give out the MVP award for the biggest movie in years (and maybe biggest ever if we can #TerminateCameron). If you have not seen the movie, don’t want it spoiled, and somehow made it this far, please close your browser now and return after you have seen the movie. I thank you ahead of time for the extra click.

I am also going to put one last spoiler alert in for the people that may not want it spoiled but also always scroll through the first paragraph of a long blog because I know that I am occasionally a scroller.

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

Okay, we’re ready to rock! Lets get things kicked off with my MVP choice of Avengers: Endgame.

Drum roll please!

1st Place Vote: Iron Man

Iron Man locking up the 1st place vote is the biggest no-brainer for MVP since Tom Brady led the Patriots to a 16-0 record and set the single season record for passing touchdowns. Tony Stark invents time travel, creates an Iron Gauntlet capable of wielding the infinity stones, and sacrifices his life for the lives of zillions of living beings. I used to have Harry Stamper as number 1 in my power rankings for Most Heroic Movie Character Ever. But all Harry Stamper did was save Earth while knowing he would never see his daughter again. Tony Stark saved the entire universe while knowing he would never see the love of his life or the cutest daughter in movie history ever again. I always thought that there should be a Harry Stamper Day to commemorate when he saved the planet. Well every day should be Iron Man Day in the MCU from the moment The Snap 3.0 happened forward.

I’ll let Shady McCoy say the rest.

Now give this man* his trophy!

*This man’s estate because he’s dead

2nd Place Vote: Captain America

I may be Team Iron Man in the Captain America vs. Iron Man debate, but anyone would be hard pressed to be a Cappy hater in this movie. Steve Rogers is the perfect leader, wields Mjolnir, lights Thanos’ ass up just when he appears to be turning the tide against the Avengers, and returns all the stones to their rightful places in time. You cannot discount that last part at all. I would deduct a point or two for choosing to live an actual civilian life instead of returning as Captain America. But he did his part and also delivered the line that gives me and many other people goosebumps EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Damn that movie really fucked me up good.

3rd Place Vote: Black Widow

Pretty basic case to be made here. You willingly sacrifice your life for the lives of everyone else while not even knowing if it will mean anything in the end, you are going to end up high on my ballot. You can say that’s like people voting for Russell Westbrook simply because he averaged a triple double, regardless of how he got it. However Black Widow not only sacrificed her life, but she helped get the Avengers back together and also made me care about her character as well as Hawkeye after not caring about them during the previous 21 movies with a mindfuck of a battle scene where one of the characters was trying to die. There’s something to be said for that.

I also hope that’s the last time I equate someone sacrificing their life to someone averaging double digit points, rebounds, and assist in a basketball season because rewatching her say “Let Go” in order to get that image for the blog shredded my insides. Like I said, this movie fucked me up good.

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RIP my chick NATASHA ROMANOVA

4th Place Vote: Captain Marvel

When I first started discussing this ballot on Twitter, the biggest pushback I got was about Captain Marvel being on the list. Uhhhhh, did you guys see the same movie that I did? Because the V in MVP stands for Valuable and the only person that could have saved my MVP choice from starving to death in space and never inventing time travel is about as valuable as everyone including him before you add in that she also destroyed Thanos’ ship as it was raining Grudgement Day level terror on our heroes while also giving Thanos everything he could handle before my dog Toney Stark snapped that big purple motherfucker out of existence.

In fact, you can make a case Captain Marvel could be Top 2 on this ballot or even number 1. But the fact she is super duper powerful on a scale we cannot even fathom gets held against her even though it shouldn’t. It’s like refs trying to call a game involving Shaq or Gronk fairly. Pretty much impossible. Captain Marvel couldn’t be involved for the entire fight scene or else Thanos and his whole army would have been cooked in about 2 minutes. So the writers went with the “Helping other planets” angle, which is fine. But saying she isn’t Top 5 is bananaland. I would have put Captain Marvel in the Top 3 but I didn’t out of the respect for the dead.

Also not flinching a millimeter as Stormbreaker zoomed by her head was soooooo fucking badass but gets looked over because it was in the trailer. If Thor approves, so do I.

5th Place Vote (Tie): Wong

I had to shout out my guy Wong for redeeming himself after ghosting in Infinity War to protect his magical museum on Bleecker Street that must have cost a FORTUNE. Dr. Strange definitely gets props for putting things in motion once he went from dust to human. But Wong was out on the recruiting trail, gathering the biggest and best heroes on the planet outside of the ones at Avengers HQ2 while eating fast food and living out of a suitcase. Okay, Wong probably didn’t have to grind like a typical college recruiter, but he still got a shitload of superheroes and armies from around the world in like an hour. Coach Cal ain’t got shit on Wong.

Completely unrelated, but do you think Wong actually got invited to Tony Stark’s wedding? And if he was invited, did he attend or did he respectfully decline to protect the Sanctum Sanctorum?

5th Place Vote (Tie): Unnamed San Francisco Rat

Honestly, I could have went with Ant-Man at this spot as well. But without the rat, Ant-Man doesn’t come back from the Quantum Realm and all of the events from Endgame never occur. It’s pretty much a chicken or the egg kinda riddle and I’m choosing the egg because I feel like sooner or later, somebody would have stumbled upon some version of Hank Pym’s work on the dark web and all of the events from the movie unfold in some form. I also like the idea of giving a rat an MVP vote to really hammer home the point that not all heroes wear capes, since I think that expression has been written on Barstool a million times but never in the truest context of the phrase. Actually, I guess Ant-Man doesn’t wear a cape and neither do like every other character that I could have nominated here like Hulk, who had a huuuuge bounce back movie despite minimal smashing with his contributions to time travel, convincing The Ancient One to give him the time stone, and doing/surviving The Snap 2.0 after coming up woefully short in Infinity War. But too bad, the rat gets the vote on my ballot.

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Shit, I’m starting to sound like an old curmudgeon baseball writer after he votes for an MVP or Hall of Famer. I’m sure there will be a ton of minor and major disagreements with this ballot like there are for all awards. So I made a ballot for all the Stoolies to vote for their Top 5 as well. If you are reading this on the Barstool app, click here to vote because I am pretty sure you won’t be able to submit due to Barstool technology likely left over from even before the Devnest.

If you somehow want to listen to more of my dumbass talk about Endgame, make sure to listen to me on Robbie’s podcast My Mom’s Basement available on iTunes and Spotify.