Chris Evans Brought America's Ass to His 20th High School Reunion

Chris Evans grew up in Sudbury, MA, graduated from Lincoln-Sudbury High in 1999 and this past weekend showed up at 20th reunion, scribbled his name on a “Hello My Name is” sticker and slapped it on his chest like just another Masshole townie.

Which may or may not prove that Captain America is a humble, down-to-Earth superstar who hasn’t forgotten where he came from. But it definitely proves one thing: No matter how big you get in this life, you never, ever stop trying to get the better of the people you went to high school with.

Those formative years are an emotional small-h holocaust. A hormonal dystopia with all the hierarchies and solical mores of animals in a rain forest. With alphas and betas. Predators and prey. The strong and the weak. Danger lurking everywhere. And it leaves scars you never get over. You never stop competing with the popular kids, the best looking kids, the athletes, the valedictorian, the class clown, for as long as you live.

I got through high alright for a guy who wasn’t particularly smart, athletic or handsome. I could make the cool kids laugh so they became my friends and I still hang out with them to this day. But if I was a core player in the most popular and successful entertainment franchise of all time, a part of me would have to fly back from Hollywood just to lord it over the kids whose lives peaked at Weymouth South High. I just know I would. Just to lord it over the guys who were the shit when we were 16 and the girls who were way out of my league. “Good to see you again, Todd. Hey, Jill. So I’m the biggest star in a 23-film cinematic universe and my latest release just passed ‘Titanic’ to become No. 2 all time in the span of just two weeks. Also, I’ve got America’s Ass. So how’re things with you? Still working in that cubicle?” It’s imprinted on us to get that validation.

True story: My sister-in-law graduated with Jennifer Coolidge, better known to you as Stifler’s Mom, who showed up to their 20th. So as they were catching up she mentioned she’s doing some acting now. And the exchange went like this:

Sister-in-law: “Oh that’s cool. Have you been in anything?”
Stifler’s Mom: “Well I was in ‘American Pie.'”
SiL: “Hmm. I’ve never heard of it.”

Which was 100% true. She wasn’t trying to be mean, She just was never that much into popular culture. And I’ve always assumed that to play an iconic role in one of the most successful comedies of the 1990s (not to mention be a regular in all the Christopher Guest movies) and get totally big timed by one of your classmates had to kill a piece of her soul. It would mine.

I don’t want any of this to be taken as a knock on Chris Evans, by the way. I try not to play the “Celebrities are just like us!” card, because we never know about these people. Lest we forget America’s Dad is currently behind bars for slipping women the Hot Cosby and ejaculating on them while they were unconscious. But my gut tells me Evans is a cool guy who made a bet with Seattle native Chris Pratt over Super Bowl XLIX where the loser would show up at a children’s hospital in their Capt. America/Star Lord costumes. And then each paid off the bet:

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So I’ll just assume he’s handling it way better than I would. Like everything else in his life.