Pet Otters Are The Rage In Japan And I Might Die If I Dont Snuggle One Until My Heart Pops With Love

TOKYO — We smelled them before we saw them. Amid an overwhelming reek of urine and scat, we descended a tight staircase into a cramped basement, where tattered ottomans faced a small wire cage.

Within the cage stood the star attractions and source of the odor: four Asian small-clawed otters. Spotting us, the animals burst into chirps, whimpers, shrieks and screams.

After passing around a laminated sheet with warnings printed in Japanese, Mandarin and English (“Otters sometimes become violent”), a handler opened the cage. The animals bolted out and flew about the room, racing over laps and gobbling down kibbles.

Their tubular brown bodies felt like slick, furry throw pillows, and their animated, whisker-framed faces were like those of puppies. Selfies proved difficult: Throughout our 30-minute session, the otters never stopped moving.

Honestly, I hate everything about the New York Times after reading the first sentence of their post. What the fuck is that about, you sons of bitches? We stink shaming otters? REALLY? We are stink shaming those cute little perfect river-bound bundles of joy? I’ll answer the fucking questions.

NO WE ARE NOT.

What we are gonna do is love them. That’s right. What we are gonna do is care about them more than we care about our own children and family members. What we are gonna do is never mention their, and I’m quoting here, “overwhelming reek of urine and scat.”

Just think about the type of person you have to be to find otter urine and scat gross. Look man. They fucking piss and scat. So what. So do dogs. So do cats. So do humans. It’s part of the circle of life. Sometimes fish literally feed on shit and piss in the ocean. What’s next, the New York Times writing an article about how we should condemn the world’s beaches because a couple of whales (not your moms) have dropped a load off on the coral reefs? I dont think so.

I’m in the market for two otters. Buying one is fucked up because they are a social creature and need to hang out with their pals. The names? Willy and Wonka. Because if you’ve got pet otters, youve got the golden ticket to happiness.