An Actual 2019 Democratic Election In America Will Be Decided By A Coin Flip

WGN — A county clerk plans a coin flip today to decide the winner of the tied vote for a trustee seat in the Chicago suburb of Sauk Village.

Under Illinois law when there’s a tie in an election the county clerk shall “determine by lot which of them is to be declared elected.” Turnout in the April 2 election was 9.3% among Sauk Village’s more than 8,200 registered voters.

A coin flip last decided a Cook County election in 2013.

Historically speaking Illinois sucks at doing politics. Fraud, corruption, mismanagement, nepotism, gross negligence. The whole bag’s in play with how much we suck at government and quick refresher – we suck a lot:

That’s why Illinois reps Abe Lincoln so hard – we’re literally dead last in everything. It’s like Jets fans talking shit about Super Bowl 3 with the small difference that Joe Namath was wayyyyy hornier than Abe Lincoln.

But just like football, our politicis are coming down to a coin flip. So maybe Joe Namath and Abe Lincoln have more in common than I thought. Maybe not. Either way we’ve found a way to perfectly intertwine the two and for that I’m all jacked up.

Who doesn’t love a coin flip to decide anything? It’s the most fair and balanced way to assign priority. It’s a step ahead of rock-paper-scissors (or PSR for you crazies) because there’s no interpersonal skills required. Drawing straws also takes a backseat because drawing straws sucks. And don’t even get me started on eenie-meanie-minie-mo. That shit’s been corrupt since pre-K.

Coin flips on the other hand don’t give a fuck if you just threw rock. Coin flips don’t care if you’ve been Tails Never Fails for 25 years and now the next flip you suddenly go Heads. Coin flips are 50-50 probability at its absolute purest.

Do you know how hard it is to botch a coin flip?

Answer: pretty hard but apparently not impossible. Who knew.

Last question…

You’ve got a career defining coin toss. You’re up for the 6th and final Trustee spot in the famed Sauk Village

You split last month’s vote 381-381 in the most hotly contested suburban trustee race in the last 5 years. You’re so close yet so far to realizing your dream of impacting local government policies like reimagining a new leaf clean up program and extending that one bike lane your wife enjoys. It’s yours for the taking. Just one more hurdle to get over and that’s calling your side.

Given the stakes and likelihood that you’re a complete failure for losing the Sauk Village trustee race, what do you pick – heads or tails?

Personally, I’m very dependent on the coin. Silver Dollar or something fancy like a commemorative coin, you always go tails because there’s a reason it never fails.

If it’s a quarter though you have to go Heads for two reasons: (1) George Washington fucked people up and (2) you’re trying to win a democratic election. Put the guy who invented winning democratic elections in your corner and go Heads.

PS – Illinois may suck but at least we got this