Drug Test Coming Up? There's A Steady Stream Of Business In The Faux Pee Market
If you’ve ever had to take a drug test or know friends who have, you’ve probably heard of countless ‘home remedies’ that help people pass. Cranberry juice, jello, niacin, vinegar, chugging water, Listerine to beat a mouth swab, sweating it out, special shampoos for hair follicle tests, having someone Nancy Kerrigan them in the leg on the way in… They put themselves through all sorts of crazy things to pass, often with the purpose of gaining employment.
Luckily for those in NYC, it looks like that hurdle might be coming down. Last week the City Council here voted strongly in favor of a bill saying most employers will no longer be able to force applicants to take drug tests.
And lots of other places are following suit as laws against marijuana use are relaxed, but if you’re in an area where that’s not the case yet there’s a market going full stream ahead & ready to help. Is it legal? Ehhhhhhhhh…. but nevertheless demand persists & thus, in the words of Dr. Ian Malcom, “supply, uh, finds a way”.
An interesting article that just came out by Aditi Shrikant at Vox explains as it follows ‘Adele’ to a urinalysis clinic where she has to be tested at the request of a client her firm is working with.
The problem? Adele smoked weed only two days prior.
The solution? ‘Quick Fix Synthetic'; “a laboratory-created synthetic urine balanced for pH, specific gravity, and creatinine, all the ingredients one would find in toxin free urine needed to pass a urine test.”
From Vox:
In fact, the imitation pee market is quite saturated with legitimate companies with names like UPass, Clean Stream, Whizzinator, Xstream, and Monkey Whizz.
Fun side note:
If the Whizzinator sounds familiar at all, you may be remembering its unlikely brush with stardom after being found in former NFL player Onterrio Smith’s luggage back in 2005. The league requires players to take regular drug tests, and Smith already had two substance abuse violations against him; a third would have earned him a one-year suspension. He claimed the device was for his cousin (being caught with drug test falsifying equipment isn’t against NFL rules, using it is), and he wasn’t dealt another violation. Less than a month later, he failed a drug test and was released from the Minnesota Vikings.
And he’s obviously not the only athlete who has taken this path.
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Smith’s case fed into a Congressional hearing & brought the issue of drug testing to the forefront where archaic rules were only reinforced. Some sellers of fake pee & fake pee products even eventually faced jail time. But still, these companies have found loopholes (pee-holes??) & continue to thrive.
I guess I just like the thought of someone getting a degree in chemistry or biology & now they make a good living stirrin’ up batches of piss. I also like to imagine they do this in a cauldron for some reason?
Anyways, working at a place like Barstool where Monster Hits Only Club shirts & hoodies just went on sale, it’s hard to imagine having to deal with any of this at all. And look at us go; we’re still on the move posting videos, blogs, pods, radio broadcasts, & Cooch Gobbler tips all day long.
Personally I’d like to see companies like those mentioned above go out of business, if only it meant we got over antiquated hiring practices involving marijuana use in particular. Many studies have shown that in the big picture drug testing seems to only deter casual users from applying to jobs, but doesn’t have an impact on workplace safety or productivity numbers. Even if faux urine is your biz, fear not, I feel like there will still always be a market for it however the laws adjust.
