Remember The Jogger Who Killed A Mountain Lion With His Bare Hands? Turns Out It Was A 24-Pound Kitten

FORT COLLINS, Colo. – The final necropsy report of the mountain lion killed by Colorado trail runner Travis Kauffman estimates the age of the lion at three to four months. The necropsy performed by Colorado Parks and Wildlife veterinarians in Fort Collins identified the lion as a “kitten” with a weight of 24 pounds. However, the animal was heavily scavenged and officials estimated the animal’s live weight was 35 to 40 pounds. The report listed the animal in “fair condition” with no diseases noted. According to the necropsy, “blood-staining of the scavenged tissues suggests the scavenging took place perimortem (meaning taking place at or around the time of death).” The necropsy went on to say the “pattern of scavenging is reminiscent of feline predation.” One identifiable set of teeth marks in the dead animal matched the size of the dead animal’s teeth, likely indicating the dead lion was partially eaten by its siblings, which is a lion behavior.

I KNEW IT! I fucking knew it man. I knew there was something off about this story when it first happened. The original story was that dude who looks like he invented Twitter was jogging along one night, got attacked by a mountain lion and he killed it with his bare hands. It was nuts. People were showering him with praise because he survived an attack from a vicious beast while he was out there trying to improve his cardio.

Why did it sound like an unlikely story? Uhhhhhhhh because joggers don’t wrestle mountain lions to the ground and live to tell about it. Mountain lions are huge and scary and a regular human being can’t just take one down without a gun and even then victory is unlikely. It can’t happen……..unless the mountain lion was a glorified kitten. Which we’re now finding out is what it was. That’s the missing piece of the puzzle. Of course the jogger killed the “mountain lion” with his bare hands, he basically took down a really fat house cat. The guy murdered Garfield. That’s what he did.

I could beat the fuck outta a 24-pound cat and so could you. I’d box the fur off a 24-pound cat. I’d take a 24-pound cat by it’s tail and swing it around my head like a lasso. You could accidentally step on a 24-pound cat and kill it. The fact that a lot of us believed he had murdered a full grown mountain lion is crazy.

FYI if you own a cat and live near this guy, you better hope he doesn’t happen upon your kitty on one of his jogs because he will kill it dead and then brag to the world that he killed a saber-toothed tiger.