British Teenager Who Joined ISIS Now Wants To Come Back Home. Nope!

You gotta be kidding me.

Teenagers do dumb stuff all the time. Teenage girls get mad at dad when he takes away their phones at the dinner table. They storm out of the house, drive to the mall, and get an ankle tattoo in white ink that says “respire.” Then, ironically, they smoke their first cigarette. Or, God forbid, hop on a quick scene for GirlsDoPorn.

As a father, I like to think I’d welcome my daughter home from these acts of rebellion with a comforting hug and a cool glass of mouthwash. Fatherhood is about forgiveness, after all. “Family is all we’ve got” said Vin Diesel in every movie he’s ever done.

But ISIS? Imagine if your daughter showed up on your doorstep, pregnant with little baby jihad? Showing no contrition whatsoever?! Sorry, no vacancy. Shoo, bitch. Take your terrorism elsewhere. Can’t have the boys at the local chip shop talking about me like that.

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These teenagers were radicalized and seduced by the terrorist equivalent of the Fyre Festival trailer. They ran away to Syria and discovered, SURPRISE! it’s not all functioning RPGs and sexy religious warriors climbing the ladder to heaven.

“The life they show on the propaganda videos… it’s a normal life. Every now and then there are bombs and stuff, but other than that.” If this girl thinks that bombs exploding everywhere is part of a “normal life,” then Great Britain might not be for her anymore. I’ve been to England and I can tell you, they take life nice and easy over there. Tea, scones, clotted cream, strolls through the Cotswalds, and the occasional glass of sherry. That’s normal life and it’s absolutely lovely.

Beheaded heads in the bins? That should faze you, Shamina. But it doesn’t, and that means you should check out the Ted Bundy doc on Netflix because he didn’t mind heads either. You’re no longer living on planet earth. Therefore, begone I say!