The Definitive List Of NHL Teams That Have Died In 2019: Part I
Just wanted to post this pic of my hair again
Dearly beloved, welcome back to the Church of Chief. While I much prefer to preside of weddings, I am also able to perform eulogies as an ordained Minister of the Universal Life Church and sadly that is why we are here today. Several NHL teams have gone from this Earth too soon in 2019. And while some of you will be surprised and angry to see your team on this list with 40% of the season still to be played, remember that I am simply a messanger. It is not my fault that your team is dead and mine is not. And since it is OscarSZN we are going to keep this topical with movie related levels of being dead.
Germans Getting Flamethrow’d Division:
Ottawa Senators: Grand aspirations for total conquest just two years ago and now…opening scene of the movie burning alive. Never had a chance. The Senators never had a chance and things are about to get a lot worse before they get better.
Detroit Red Wings: The Red Wings really were once like the Roman Empire. Villains(depending on who you asked) and conquerers who changed the game forever. Skills, speed, puck possession, and a playoff streak that lasted 25 years. Now…they’re dead. It’s one thing to be bad, it’s quite another to be bad and old. Just like in the old Roman Empire, when a plan failed, the planners were allowed to keep their fortunes. The Red Wings are still paying Zetterberg and Franzen on LTIR. Trevor Daley is 35, Mike Green is 33, Kronwall is 38, Ericsson is 34, Frans Nielson is 34, Jimmy Howard, Abdelkader, Helm, and Vanek are all over 30. Many of those guys have multiple years left on their contract. Somehow the Red Wings technically have the highest cap hit in all of the NHL. It’s hard to imagine a scenario where they’ll be able to be active this summer to fix some of these problems. The NHL is better when the Detroit Red Wings are relavent and sadly it doesn’t seem like they’ll be in the mix for a while. They are…very dead.
The Woody Division: Toy Story I
Woody : You’d think they’ve never seen a new toy before.
Bo Peep : Well sure, look at him. He’s got more gadgets on him then a Swiss army knife.
Los Angeles Kings: One minute you’re the cock of the walk. The king of the castle. The Sheriff. Then the next thing you know the way everyone wants to play has changed. Big, bruising, physical styles have been left in the dust and they’ve been replaced by teams who just buzz around. The Kings are stuck in their ways and instead of adapting to the times they went out and just paid big money for a new saying on their draw string…Ilya Kovalchuk…another thing that was cool 15 years ago.
Old Lady Rose Division: Titanic
Anaheim Ducks: It feels like it’s been 84 years since the Ducks won the Stanley Cup in 2007 with Perry and Getzlaf. And while they had fulfilling careers and some great moments they were never able to fully recapture that magic from back then. It’s been a slow decline. They’re dying as an old woman warm in their beds. Little by little they died. No human can withstand that many hits.
Ted Bundy Division: Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil, And Vile
St Louis Blues: Ryan O’Reilly looks the part. Great face-off guy, strong, mean, good skater, can score. He’s the picture perfect centermen. Then once you bring him home you’re dead. Like Colorado and Buffalo before them, The St Louis Blues have died. Not saying O’Reilly is 100% guilty but death follows him around.
Rebel Without A Cause Division
New Jersey Devils: And just like that the New Jersey Devils have changed back again. After one super fun year built around promising young talent the Devils are racing towards a cliff in 2019. With Taylor Hall and Vatanen banged up and the Devils a full 12 points out of the playoffs…
Braveheart Division:
New York Rangers: Mel Gibson right there…that’s Henrik Lundqvist. Blue eyes, handsome, beloved by his people. And just like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, Henrik is a King without a Crown. One of the greats and his legacy will live on in history, but he never actually able to win the entire thing. Now he’s bound by his own contract and be tortured. Meanwhile anyone on the Rangers who is actually good, say like Kevan Kayes, is looking at King Henrik and saying…
That is the list for now. If you are on the list, my sincerest apologies. If you’ve breathed a sigh of relief because you didn’t see your team’s name on the list trust that they probably are dead, but I just haven’t given the eulogy yet. I’ll be collecting them later in the season. Possibly as soon as next week.
