There's A Cancer In The House: The Bachelor Recap Week 4

Fran1/29/2019 7:50 PM

Alright guys now we are cruising! It’s rhyme time. Week 4 and we’re headed to Singapore.

The Bachelor must really have a better budget than The Bachelorette. You know where Becca was headed Week 4? Park City, Utah. Week 5? Las Vegas. Week 6? VIRGINIA. Virginia!!!! Meanwhile Colton and his girlfriends are starting in Singapore with Thailand on deck next week.

Right away we’re off to a hot start. Chris Harrison confuses the pageant girls and calls Hannah B. Caelynn. Nice work Mr. Harrison, getting Hannah B. all bothered before the overseas travel begins! You can’t tell me he did not do that on purpose. Annnnnd Hannah G. has no idea where or what Singapore is.

Colton Underwood newest hit vlogger. The real question here is whats going on with Colton’s nails. I cry for them. Looks like he just takes a nail clipper and goes straight across. Is this the standard for men? I am unsure. I just asked Trent to see his hands and can confirm that he has the same nails as Colton. They are destined to be besties.

There are fewer women now, so we get two one on one dates and one big group date.

One on One Date:

Tayshia! I felt good vibes from Tayshia from the beginning but chickened out and didn’t put her in my top 5. That’s on me.

Bungee jumping! Nothing like literally risking your life for love. Normally the bachelor is the one to console his date when the activity is some kind of extreme sport…not for Colton. He was nervous and he needed Tayshia to be his rock. She came through and not only jumped from the platform but JUMPED FEET FIRST! Aren’t you supposed to just kind of fall when you bungee jump? I’m no expert but the second hand whiplash I got from Tayshia’s body flailing around hurt my back and I was motionless on my couch.

I want to address Colton’s scream. Yes it was girly. Yes he yelled “OH NO NOT AGAIN” when he bounced back up. I’d like to believe he handled this the best that he could. I could make virgin jokes here but I will refrain because as Trent and I have said before…we are pro-Colton accounts.

Tayshia opens up to Colton during their night date and tells him that she is divorced. Let’s go. Love a good divorce plot twist thrown in the mix. There was no way that ABC picked a divorce free cast this season.

I love Tayshia. She seems like a super sweet girl who tried to make a relationship work that was probably doomed from the start. Colton was able to support her (he has divorced parents) and you can tell she is ecstatic that he didn’t freak out. Another win for Colton. A very solid one on one.

Group Date:

I could feel the tension between Caelynn and Hannah B. through my TV screen. Hannah B. was praying to Nick Saban that Caelynn’s name was on the card so that she didn’t get the second one on one date. But alas, Caelynn secured that solo date and Hannah B. was left with the other women to fight for Colton’s time on the group date.

The women of the group date head out to explore the streets of Singapore with Colton and Demi just took a dominating lead. Love her or hate her, she is following the villain rulebook to a T. She’s not here for the other women she’s there for Colton! She doesn’t care about the other girls’ feelings…she will hog him all she wants. Demi’s strategy on the group date seems to be become a human leech stuck on Colton. Speaking of leeches…

…………….

Yes, leeches aren’t the worst thing in the world. They are also not what I want out of a date on The Bachelor. Give me bungee jumping over willingly getting covered in leeches any day.

Meanwhile, Colton and Cassie sat in front of a fortune teller and he told them they were basically related in a past life. Not exactly what you want to hear. I think Cassie is starting to feel herself fall into the friend zone and she is ready to fight that to the death. She was off to a great start with this slit during the night portion of the date. She is trying to TURN THE HEAT UP.

(BTW I’m completely ignoring the food portion of this group date. I don’t really like watching other people eat unfamiliar foods. Bull frogs, pig’s feet, snakes? I’m good.)

The real drama began at night. Hannah B. immediately took Colton and tried to explain herself again for the pageant feud. It seemed to work!

Ah…barf. She is not your Hannah. You’ve known her for a millisecond.

Courtney will not stop whining. Clearly she is not used to chasing after a guy because she just expects Colton to come talk to her and that is just not how the show works. It’s crazy to me that girls go on this show and think the bachelor will chase after them on a group date with a bunch of other girls swarming him already?? Have you watched before?? You must know that’s not what happens. We knew Courtney was going to blow up eventually and it comes at the hands of Demi. Demi was actually reasonable with Courtney at the beginning and basically told her to figure it out, get out her own head, and go talk to Colton. She just didn’t do it.

Demi opened up to Colton about her mom. You could actually tell she was super nervous (so much sweat) to talk to Colton about her mom’s jail time. As a fellow nervous sweater, Demi, I feel you girl. Throw the weather in Singapore into the mix and there are not enough oil blotch sheets in the world that can save you.

Courtney and Demi are TOUGH to watch. Just two girls both trying to be the “mature” one in the fight, and instead it just comes across so bratty. Courtney speaking through her smile to Demi is brutal. I can’t tell if Courtney was just so infuriated on the inside and didn’t want to break or if she thought she would come across as the mature, levelheaded one in the fight. Either way, Courtney needed to ignore Demi and ACTUALLY TALK TO COLTON ON HER OWN.

Demi just dominated the group date entirely, and takes home the group date rose. Courtney proceeds to have a meltdown. She is not cut out for this show.

Second One on One Date:

Caelynn’s day of pampering begins and cue the Hannah B. reaction shots.

Colton took Caelynn shopping and holy shit this girl looks amazing in everything. Literally everything she tried on, she looked fantastic. Do shopping dates where your boyfriend buys endless amounts of clothes for you exist in the real world? No, not really. Would I want that to be my date on The Bachelor? Yes. Yes I would. The relationship may not last forever, but the shoes will.

Ruuuuuthless move by the producers to make Caelynn go back to the girls with all the shopping bags before continuing to the night portion of their date. Ah just a quick stop to drop off the GIANT bags of clothes and shoes! Don’t mind me! *giggle giggle*

The girls pretending to be happy for her is so sad to watch. Cassie encompasses all the emotions in her solo interview. “This sucks but like I really like Caelynn so I’m happy for her kind of ugh not really ah I’m sad” *cries*

Okay going to get serious for a moment here. Caelynn’s date night with Colton was probably the deepest The Bachelor has ever gotten about real life issues. Caelynn told Colton about a sexual assault she experienced in college. She held it together, was well-spoken, and explained to Colton AND THE WORLD everything that happened to her during that horrific time. It was heartbreaking to listen to. I’m happy that ABC seemed to air the full, raw conversation between the two of them and let Caelynn tell her story for herself. Through the pageant world, Caelynn has been an advocate for other survivors and I applaud her for the work she is doing to help others never go through what she had to go through. For all those who want to doubt Caelynn, you are part of the problem.

Colton also seemed to allude to his past relationship with Aly Raisman, who went through her own horrors of assault in the gymnastics world. Colton and Caelynn had a real, open conversation about a very serious topic that was really nice to see addressed on a show like The Bachelor. We obviously watch this show to laugh and enjoy the drama and craziness, but these girls have a platform and should be able to share their experiences with each other and with Colton.

Now back to the rose ceremony….

Hannah G. and Colton talk about how hard it is for her to open up and that she will try her best to say more. Colton says he is attracted to her but doesn’t feel like he knows that much about her. So obviously the next move is one giant bed make out sesh!

Caelynn and Hannah B. seem to actually have a mature conversation about their relationship and squash some of their beef? Smart play for the long run of the show. I guess we will be playing nice until the 2 on 1 (I hope).

Demi and Courtney are back at it. It’s just a tattletale off between the two of them. Who can say the meanest thing about the other to Colton? Ding ding ding! Come on down Demi we have a winner! Demi calls Courtney “a cancer in the house,” which is probably one of the meanest things someone has said about another contestant on any of these shows.

The two of them both had a serious case of word vomit where insults just could not stop leaving their mouthes. Demi returned to the girls and tried to tell them that Courtney MUST be in there bashing her to Colton? Uh Demi? You just did that exact thing.

We are all Kirpa and Hannah G. while Courtney and Demi continued to yell at each other.

Demi has an ability to throw so much shade without saying a word. It’s truly a gift. When it’s time for Colton to give out the roses, Demi said nothing and just STARED DOWN Courtney while holding her group date rose. Daggers. Lol Hannah G.

I truly believe that Colton is petrified of Demi. He has spent more time with her than Courtney and in order to keep Demi at bay…Tracy AND Courtney both got the boot. Demi is bursting with power right now. She is on the high of a lifetime. Just waving her rose in the air banishing all her enemies. She makes that rose her prop like no villain has done before.