Mr. Kraft is Going to Rain Hellfire Down Upon the Chiefs Over LaserGate, I Promise You

Michael Strahan, on Good Morning America: “There was a laser pointed at Tom Brady, and it’s not the first that’s happened. So what can be done to stop this because it’s potentially dangerous?”

Mr. Kraft: “It doesn’t happen when you come to Foxboro. But I’ll tell ya, I just hear the word ‘laser’ and I think of Tommy and his eyes. And that last drive, we had three third-down-and-10s, and he was laser focused. So, whatever it was, I think it was a positive influence.”

Author’s Note: Yes, I’m aware my Blogging Buddy Liz wrote about this earlier. Exceptionally, I might add. (I take issue with her referring to the man as “Bob” in her headline, but that’s something we’ll discuss in private.) She reached out to see if I wanted it first, and told her to by all means take it. First, because I was ears-deep in another blog. And two, because we learned in Blogger School that nobody gives a tuppenny fuck about the occasional repost except the cheap, penny-pinching ingrates who used to populate the Comments but were chased off because they can’t afford a dollar a week. So here we are.

With that as preamble, let me just say that when I heard the word “laser” I too thought about Brady yelling “C’mon now! LASER FOCUS!” It’s one of the most recognizable sound cuts in a career full of them. I will say I don’t associate his eyes with lasers, necessarily. I associate them with whites that shine like the shaft of divine light that lifts you up to heaven, irises the color of the sea in Sandals Resorts ads and pupils that give me the dark, warm, safe feeling I haven’t felt since I was in my sainted mother’s womb. But lasers? No. Except to think about the irreparable harm that could come from having one fired at the precious windows to his soul.

And there is zero part of me that believes Mr. Kraft feels the same way. Tt’s so typical for him to take the high road at a moment like this. Publicly. But he himself compared “Tommy” to one of his own children. And what parent wouldn’t go full Scorched Earth on anyone who threatened their child’s sight.

So sure, he’s playing LaserGate like it’s no big thing in front of the world. But I promise you, with all the certainty that comes from having met Mr. Kraft twice:

… and having a press pass to his facility, that behind the scenes is a different story. This is a public posture, like a world leader takes just as he’s about to launch an all out war. Playing the diplomacy game, nothing more. I have no doubt in my mind that the call to Chiefs’ ownership was another thing entirely:

Hi, Clark? Yeah, it’s RKK. … Oh fine. Fine. Thanks. Appreciate it. Listen, about the laser pointer … how’s that going? Oh really.

Well let me just say this. You’re going to find whoever did this. This is not a request. It’s 2019. Nothing happens now that doesn’t happen on camera somewhere. If someone in a Gronk jersey pointed it at Mahomes you’d have him all over cable news by now. You’re going to turn over every rock in Missouri until you find the one this like roach crawled under. Now. Not tomorrow. Not after breakfast. NOW. Do I make myself clear, you little Lucky Spermer?

We had some Millennial sploosh and ounce of warm beer in the general direction of Tyreek Hill and not only banned him for life, he had to go to fricking court. Charged criminally. It’s time you pay me back for this service. Or do I have to melt down the 10 – I repeat 10 – trophies I own with your father’s name on them into a club and have you beaten to death with it. Am I making myself clear? I better be. For your sake. [Click]

Somewhere out there, the guy who tried to blind the GOAT is free. And no one rests until he’s found and convicted. So says I. So says Mr. Kraft. I promise you.