The Haters Said Kristaps Porzingis Still Can't Sprint, So He Went On Instagram To Shut Them All Up
So a story made its rounds on the internet yesterday about David Fizdale saying that Kristaps Porzingis is still not being able to sprint. I didn’t think much of it because KP tore his ACL 9 months ago and there is absolutely no rush for him to come back with a wonderful youth movement and take movement occurring at the same time.
But what did our 7’3″ unicorn do? Got his size 900 running shoes on and turned into Usain Bolt right in front of eyes for the Gram, to shut up the haters, and plaster #FAKENEWS right on Deadspin’s forehead (The article was originally published by the Daily News but whatever).
Look at the way KP’s injured knee bends while running! Perfect form that is straight out of a Carl Lewis wet dream. No surprise KP’s meme game is just as strong as his ACL since I didn’t even know Khabib’s quote was a meme. But since I am an old washed up idiot, I’m not supposed to know that it is a meme until 6 months after it hits the internet.
Now I know a still photo of someone running doesn’t tell the whole story of how fast or smoothly they were moving. I guess you can even make the point that taking pictures instead of recording a video makes it even easier to hide that someone can’t sprint. However, I put these pictures through a revolutionary speed filter and you can see by these speed lines just how fast KP was moving.
Simply remarkable. Everyone knows that yellow is the unofficial color of speed (Source: Lightning bolts are yellow, which is another unofficial sign for speed).
Anyway, using those speed lines and technology only accessible here at Barstool, I estimated how fast Kristaps was moving and the results will shock you.
What an athlete! What a recovery! It turns out Kristaps’ ACL is not only just fine, but stronger than ever! Now can we all agree to let our gigantic franchise player rehab from a devastating knee injury at his own pace in peace and save all the newspaper/internet space for R.J. Barrett and Zion Williamson hype since we definitely won’t fall short in the lottery yet again?
UPDATE: Looks like someone read my blog and just found out about Speed Lines Technology™