Apparently Disney Parks Are Filled To The Brim With The Ashes Of Dead People
WSJ- Custodians at the Walt Disney Co. theme parks in Orlando, Fla., and Anaheim, Calif., use code words to disguise the messier aspects of their work from visitors. When a manager radios for a “Code V” cleanup, it means a patron has vomited. “Code U” signals urine.
No code is kept more under wraps at Walt Disney World and Disneyland than the call for a “HEPA cleanup.” It means that, once again, a park guest has scattered the cremated ashes of a loved one somewhere in the park, and an ultrafine (or “HEPA”) vacuum cleaner is needed to suck them up. Disney custodians say it happens about once a month.
Current and former custodians at Disney parks say identifying and vacuuming up human ashes is a signature and secret part of working at the Happiest Place on Earth. It is grisly work for them, but a cathartic release for the bereaved, who say treating Disney parks as a final resting place is the ultimate tribute to ardent fans.
Human ashes have been spread in flower beds, on bushes and on Magic Kingdom lawns; outside the park gates and during fireworks displays; on Pirates of the Caribbean and in the moat underneath the flying elephants of the Dumbo ride. Most frequently of all, according to custodians and park workers, they’ve been dispersed throughout the Haunted Mansion, the 49-year-old attraction featuring an eerie old estate full of imaginary ghosts. “The Haunted Mansion probably has so much human ashes in it that it’s not even funny,” said one Disneyland custodian.
In case taking out a mortgage to bring your shitty kids to the land of long lines and fanny packs wasn’t bad enough for parents, it turns out you may be sitting on or breathing in a dead person anywhere you turn. Whenever I used to hear that a ride was out of order, I just figured that someone puked on it or was killed due to a mechanical error that Disney was able to cover up since they likely own all the newspapers in Orlando and Anaheim. Nope, it turns out someone got caught giving their Nana a burial at sea in the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride. Fucking gross.
I imagine one person a month getting caught dumping ashes on a ride is like seeing a mouse in your house mean if there is one seen, that means there are at least 10 other you don’t see or know about. The whole Magic Kingdom is probably filled with ashes of weirdos that wanted to be buried in a fucking amusement park. And that’s before Star Wars Land opens next year and the millions of very rational Star Wars fans that make Robbie Fox seem like a Trekkie tell their family on their death bed to bury them in Tatooine (which means the gift store next to the turkey leg stand that actually resides in the middle of Central Florida for people that realize the difference between fact and fiction).
Don’t get me wrong, I love Disney. Went there multiple times with my wife back when I got free tickets as an *SPN employee. Hell, I even proposed to my wife at the head table of Cinderella’s castle because she was obsessed with Cinderella as a kid.
“Mama, there goes that man”
So if I were to ever have my ashes spread at Disney like a crazy person, this is where I would choose to have it done:
Bottom 3:
3. Haunted House:
Clearly the ride of choice when it comes to scattering ashes, which instinctively makes me hate the move. I have never seen the entire movie of Titanic just because when it came out, people used to have contests to see who saw it more. Instinctively made me hate that movie and even Leo DiCaprio, who I loved going back to his guest spots on Growing Pains (Fell back in love with him in The Departed though). Plus people that choose to have their ashes buried on a haunted house ride are definitely the weirdest ghosts in the park.
2. Hall Of Presidents:
If I am going to haunt somewhere, I don’t want to haunt a bunch of nerds that visit the Hall of Presidents when they go to Disney because they already are dead inside. Then again, watching idiots in fanny packs get into fist fights over politics would be pretty entertaining.
1. It’s A Small World:
I would commit ghost suicide so quickly after hearing that song on loop for an hour straight.
Honorable Mention.The Dumbo Ride:
You have to be a siiiiiiick fuck to have your ashes placed under any sort of kiddie ride since there is a chance some idiot toddler may pick up your ashes and eat them. Then again, I don’t know how things like this work, but maybe you take over that toddler’s body if they eat you like some body switch movie from the 80s.
Okay, that got weird. Time for my Top 3.
Top 3:
3. Splash Mountain:
Easily the worst ride out of the three mountain ranges in Disney. But being able to swim whenever I wanted in that superchlorniated water and occasionally freaking people out by appearing in a picture as a ghost would be sweet.
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2. Thunder Mountain:
Probably my favorite ride in the entire park and I can confidently say that I would never get sick of riding it until the Russians wipe out Disney during their delclaration of nuclear war on the US.
1. On top of Cinderellas’s castle:
This would probably require a drone since I imagine Disney has snipers that shoot to kill if someone climb’s Cindy’s home. But having my ashes in somewhere that would be impossible to clean up would be incredible and my remains would be in every picture that someone takes of the castle, which would pretty much make me the most famous person on Earth considering every single fucking person does that sooner or later. Plus my already heartbroken wife would be so honored that I chose to be buried where we got engaged, she would promise to never take another lover who would definitely put me to shame no matter how awful he was in the sheets.
Okay, that got weird again. Now lets say a prayer for the custodians that anonymously confirmed this report about a place that won’t sell gum and hired a billion janitors so their park keeps up its reputation for cleanliness, as they have likely already been killed by Disney’s secret police, which ironically will only lead to their families leaving their ashes at their favorite place to work, Disney World.