MMBM: Did Bruce Irvin Get The Duchess Of Sussex Pregnant After The Raiders Seahawks London Game?

Yesterday was the start of London game season in the NFL as the Raiders and Seahawks traveled over to visit foggy England. It was actualy a perfect fit for these two teams as Oakland is just a team built from Seahawks castaways like Marshawn Lynch,  Bruce Irvin, and Tom Cable. Basicaly Amerca took Englands idea for Australia and turned it into a football team.

The Raiders, depsite being use to playing on a field that normally isnt used for football, were unable to get anything going offensiveley so after the game its no wonder Bruce wanted to make up for not scoring on the field by scoring off of it.

There are alot of traps to fall into as a American football player in Great Britain, for example spotted dick is the name of there most popular dessert and not just a note at the bottom of LeSean Mccoys physical. And no more alluring trap exists then falling for the romantic sudcution of the royal crown. Prince Harry would of been a great name for the protagonist from Beauty and the Beast, but in real life its not quite as alluring. The notion that American Duchess Meghan Markle saw the Raiders come into town and was instantly drawn to Irvin whose from West Virginia- the Sussexx of the United States given there penchant for not caring if there beer is room temperature and simlar rates of ginginvitis- is not unexpected considering she married a JV version of Carson Wentz just so she can have something to look at that reminds her of NFL Sundays.

This type stuff use to happen all the time when kings and queens would send there gladiators and most attractive spies overseas to secretley muddle the bloodlines. I’ve seen Braveheart and know how this works. So it should come as no suprise that the heir to the royal throne could possbly be a 100% American created by Markle and Irvin. Theres no other explanation for why the NFL would send the Raiders overseas except for these types of purposes its certanly not to grow the sport.

The whole operaton allmost got blown when some people in England were quiet wary last year when they saw they would be sending a Chancellor who describes himself as an SS. So the league made Kam retire and instead the placated the British by sending over a familar name- Wilson, except this one knows how to get 14 point’s across. 

So all Im saying is lets wait until spring when we get to meet the royal baby and find out if its Harrys or Bruces. If it comes out leading with the head we’ll know exactly who it belongs to.

Road Grader Of The Week: Kelvin Benjamin 

We’ve learned from our Presdent that the human body is created with only a finite amount of energy in it like a battery so Kelvin Benjamin was just being a good teamate when he spurned Josh Allens attempts to wear him out during pregame warm-ups by warming up :

Kelvin is truly the widest receiver in the NFL and hes not looking to burn any extra calories if he dosen’t have to. If you want him to memeorize his routes just get rid of this old fashion number system where 1 is flat 2 is slant etc and name them after the correpsonding items on the Mickey Ds extra value meal where a fil-a-o-fish means waddle your way towards the upright- the big thing that looks like a fork. Good coaches learn to adapt to there players.

1. Rae Carruth just got out of jail but its fair to remind folk that hes still not suspended by the NFL. Roger Goodells wildly inconsistent discpline patterns allow serous offenders like Rae and  Todd Gurley who owns TWO cats to run willy-nilly while other players like the fan from Philly who ran on the field with his dads ashes are band for life.

2. This is a intresting debate to embrace right here:

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For my money its probly either Shaqueem Griffin or Sam Bradford because youd be staring up his gigantic sleeve at his hairy armpit like sort of upskirt photo and youd feel so dirty and comfortable after youd need to take a bath big time

3. Nathan Peterman was realy emphazising the latter part of the phrase “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away”, but nowhere in my bible does it have God high stepping into the endzone while failing to cover the spread. Peterman was resolute after the game saying dont let the 9 intecerptons in 88 attempts fool you, as a son of God his real reward is in heaven. This is kindve a Lane Johnson type spin on the situation were he’d rather loose infinity games and throw a interception every 5th pass if it meant he got to play closer to heaven in upstate new york (location of the MD2020 disterllery).

4. Little light thinking from one of the all time great coaches acording to books I’ll never read:

To be fair its impossble to know what percentage of that 80% simply cant understand you when you try to tell them your problems so Im gonna need coach to check his math. Also, acording to noted statistician Jay-Z its more effective to tell people what arent your problems, for example a bitch.

5. This is what consistency looks like

Ironic that they went out and got a QB with probly the weakest arm and the least effective at playing 500 in the entire league.

6. At first glance one would think this was good news:

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So flags are way down, however Im very woke to the fact that the gradual removal of all that dirty laundry from the feild is just another guerrilla ad for Tide.

7. A man got aressted in New York for buiding a large bomb that he was going to detonate on electon day to raise awareness of “sortition”, or the act of choosing your leaders at random from the general population instead of having elections. While I cant condone bombmaking, consider my awareness levels raised, and for the record this would probly be a more effective way of determining Buffalo head coaches then whatever methods they currently employ.

8. Philip Rivers is just as smooth as ever

9. A very stern “respect the biz” goes out to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, who has allegedly captured, tortured, and dismembered journalist Jamal Kashoggi,. Not to conflate the two or make light of the siutation but as a American sports journlist I’ve been essentally captured and tortured several times as I was waiting on the tarmac for a storm to clear, often times without adequate wifi. Fortunately it sounds like Turkey had a All 22 angle set up inside the Saudi embassy and we all know the film dosent lie. I dont doubt for a second that during the darkest hours, John Elway admires the Kingdom and there authoritaian tendencies who also just decided to allow Gurleys to drive on them for the first time.

10. Swag Kelly managed to play a complete snap of football without getting into a fight with a opponent or calling out a audible for the TV microphones to hear thats just the URL to his soundcloud.