Advertisement

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: After Much Consideration, I Am Hereby Banning Filip Forsberg From Ever Playing Beer League Hockey Again

So Grinnelli already did a great job blogging this video. But it is my duty as a Beer League Hero to step in here and actually do something about this. And as the highest ranking Beer League Hero in all of the land, it is within my rights to officially ban Filip Forsberg from ever playing another game of beer league hockey again in his lifetime. Unless he is getting paid to play hockey professionally, he is no longer allowed on the ice.

Why is that, you ask? Well because this is such a bullshit NHL elitist way to tape your socks. If this is actually the way that he tapes his socks every single day for practice and games and any time he steps out on the ice, just think about how much tape he is wasting. Every time he tapes his sock, he wastes at least 3 or 4 inches of tape with the extra loose ends he rips off. Now I’m sure that to somebody like Filip Forsberg who probably hasn’t had to pay for a roll of tape in 10 years, that’s not an issue. He doesn’t even have to think about it. He knows that whenever he runs out of that current roll of tape, he has another one already lined up for him. But for those of us who don’t have that luxury? For those of us who are still grinding it out in the beer leagues?

Well there’s an old saying in beer league locker rooms all across this great nation. And it goes, “Clear Tape Rules Everything Around Me”. CTREAM for short. Because a roll of clear is the hottest and most sought after commodity in every hockey room. I can guarantee you right now that if you actually sit down and think about it, you’ve never once been in a hockey locker room without hearing the question “yo, does anybody have some clear I can borrow?” asked at least once or twice. The only question that gets asked even remotely close to as many times is guys asking if they can borrow some shampoo during post-game showers. As if they are going to use the shampoo and then give it back to you at a later date. But that’s besides the point. The fact I’m trying to make here is that guys in the beer leagues have to treat clear tape like it’s food rations during the goddamn Great Depression. We can’t go around wasting a single inch of that shit because if you waste an inch, then the guy who borrows the tape from you next is going to waste an inch, and then the guy after him and then the guy after that. Before you know it, you just bought a fresh roll of clear and it’s already spent after just 1 night. You’ve already spent a few hundred bucks on league fees. You’ve already spent a couple hundred bucks on a new stick because some shit head kid stole yours out of the stick rack. You already only get your skates sharpened every 15 games because you need to start being tight with your wallet. So can you really afford to be buying a new roll of clear tape every time you’re at the rink? For sure not.

So for guys like Filip Forsberg, wasting a few inches of clear tape every day is like Warren Buffett spending a couple dollars on Slim Jims and Mountain Dew. But for guys like us? Beer League Heroes? Well I’d rather you chop of my dick than waste any of my clear tape. That shit means everything to us.

P.S. – It’s still a better way to tape your socks than anybody who uses skate laces around the shinnies.

@BarstoolJordie