MMBM: The Browns Should Have Named The Possum Their Starting QB
Literaly. They should of actualy named the possum Starting QB. For those of you who might be a little obtuse, I’m saying the Cleveland Browns should of literaly given the Rally Possum the name “Starting QB.” I mean I will dive into great length about why the Possum itself should play QB but at the very least throw us some red meat dont give it some dumb name like “Pat the Possum,” or “Lebron James’ 2018 supporting cast”, just name it QB1. Put “Possum” on the back of that QB jersey. Let him take a snap under center or two if you can keep him in the team facilty long enough without Bob Wylie trying to capture him to make Brunswick stew or Todd Haley mistakes it for a fleshlight and trys to bring it home.
Listen Bakers good, Tyrods fine, but at the very least you need to put the possum in s steel cage death match with Swagger the dog and see who comes out the other side. A possum as a offical team mascot would be a game changer and the first of its kind since George Jones passed out nude in Smokey the Volunteer doghouse for 2 weeks before he was finaly removed.
When you look at the big picture Cleveland has literaly been playing possum for the last 20 years and now its paying off bigtime.
The Rally Possums weird energy was harvested thursday nite in a comeback win over the Jets, just when everyone thought the Browns were dead. In fact, Adrian Peterson said today that the only team you didnt have to worry about preping for for years was the Cleveland Browns. They’ve lulled the entire NFL into a false sense of securty and now its time to strike. And now things are changing in Cleveland- the very fact that a little weird looking pest like this was able to scurry around for two quarters avoiding the sack makes it the most successfull QB in Browns history. Plus this possum is the prefect mascot for the Browns who have been playing with a nonexistant O for years.
Possums also carry around there familys on their backs so they dont have to go straight to their cellphones after a game to check messages when they should be spending that time answering detailed questions from Colleen Wolfe about how exited he was to win a game. Also why isnt Baker Mayfield constantly condemning Jimmy Haslam publicaly (by publicaly I mean only on twitter so its convenient for me to consume ) now that he has a platform on which to do it? Seems like probably not a good guy and also a coward. If Baker dosen’t care about teamsters he likeley also dosen’t care about teamates.
Plus Mayfield really came of as a jerk after the Browns beat the Jets on TNF, as Jason McIntire pointed out- the son of a bitch had the nerve to be on his phone after the game repsonding to texts from his friends as opposed to Peyton Manning and Brett Farve who knew it was important to keep there batteries charged in case Peter King called. Thats what makes Aaron Rogers so great he dosent have any texts from his family to get distracted by so he can remain laser focus on what really counts- making Colin Cowherd happy.
Road Grader Of The Week: Kerryon Johnson
His name literaly translates to sack dick and folk’s, this guy is the total package. The last time a Detroit Lion ran for like a hundered yards with the football securely tucked away they overturned it on review and named a new catch rule after him. Lets hope this dosen’t end the same way
On To The Awards
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. The Jacksonville Jaguars got tricked into knocking Blane Gabbert out of the game which is the oldest trick in the book for a offense whose backup is better then Blaine Gabbert. Marcus Mariota has lost partial feeling in his throwing hand which means hes literaly playing football like hes giving himself the stranger. Explains why hes having so much fun out there it feels like its someone else helping him score. Am I pusing the panic button on the Jaguars- not at all on the contrary this was a shot in the arm game no offense to the good people of Duval county and there preferred method of ingesting methamphetamies.
2. Are the New England Patriots aligned with Russian troll farms? Maybe that Superbowl ring to Putin was a downpayment on a new wing of the Internet Research Agency Bot Center.
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Honestly it woudnt suprise me in the least to know that Bill Belchick saw what was giong on in the 2016 election and thought to himself “i gotta get in on this internet stuff.” Such a classic Belichick move to pretend to not know what instagram and snapchat were all the while organizing a massive disinformation campaign verse the rest of the league. Hey folks for a Russian youd think the Patriots would be better at fighting battles to the west.
3. Big artcle came out in the Daily Beast today and my big takeaway from it as far as the part about me goes is that we were offered a olive branch should we choose to unionize. I’d like to say for the record that watching Barstool attempt to go through the unionization process would be A plus high comedy given the sheer amount of meetings and paperwork that needs to be done combined with the laziness and sheer incompetence of myself. It would be the one thing that coud unite the entire internet even if it is only because it is union mandated to support other uninionization attempts no matter what. Look for me to address this a long with other concerns as I will be bringing back the Ombudsman column in a slightly diffrent format later this week. Should be good and informative takes. In the meantime please remember your only allowed to like one website at a time.
4. Is Josh Allen better then Cam Newton? Well its tough to quite tell just yet. The rookie has yet to lose a MVP race, whereas Cam Newton has lost close to 90% of his attempts. Both are tall, rocket arms, and both look good in capris.
5. Rod Rosenstein is the Vontae Davis of the Trump adminstration unless he’s not. There is nothing in life and sports more then a good you cant fire me because I quit- oh yeah well your fired- followed by a meeting with your lawyers telling you that you actually want it to be the other guys fault. Its the rare occaision in life where not fucking up enough can come back to bite you as a employee. The best way to handle things in work and relatonships is to just ignore your boss or partner untill they just kind of accept the fact they have to dump you, breaking up with someone is so depserate or at least thats what I told myself in middle school after my girlfriend dumped me because my ballchain necklace wasnt a high enough gauge. There loss.
6. Jimmy Garopolo is probably out for the season with a torn ACL which is the exact plot to Varsity Blues. CJ Beathard is the James Van Der Beek guy reading Slaughterhouse Five and saying playing football at west canaan high school may of been the opportunity of Charlies life, but he dosen’t want, Charlie’s life. Kiara Mia is going to show up ina whip cream bikini on CJ Beathards front porch, or at the very least, in his search history. If the 49ers dont end up offering the Cardinals 2 first round picks for ether Sam Bradford or Brian Hoyer I will be thoroughly disppointed in the modern day NFL. If anything having a QB on your roster who gets hurt all the time is more of a asset since referees are more incline to throw flags for dirty hits in order to protect your Bradfords and Griffins like there endangered birds.
7. Bill Belchick would of won that game if he had been nicer to youngsters beforehand
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Have you ever had a old dog and tried to introduce them to a puppy? They have absolteley no time whatsoever for that. We all get grouchy with our old age and have trouble keeping up with the new trends, and the only Fortnight Bills worried about is upcoming games verse the Dolphins and the Colts.
8. There goes any hope I had remaning for the Washington Capitals to repeat as Stanley Cup Champions
This big orange furball shows up looking like Charles Johnson after hes been lost in the woods for a day in a half eating stem cells from Uncle Chaps’ pubes (no offense Chaps you know I love you.) On the surface this looks like a incredble choice for a mascot but it also points to the commodification or LinkedIninifcation of grit that we’ve seen over the past 3 years or so. Honestley suprised the Anaheim hasnt changed there name to the Mighty Duckworths yet given the way this is going. Ive interviewd over 100 experts in grit and I can tell you right now the real litmus test is that if you know the real defnition of grit you’re not gritty.
9. Rob Gronkowski threatened to quit football rather then leave Tom Brady when the Patriots listened to trade offers last season and who can blame him- moving sucks. And although Gronk would of been banished to a lifetime of catching 150 balls a year from Matt Stafford and living on a pontoon boat with Kid Rock, its basicaly impossible to shotgun a sparxx outdoors between the months of November and March in Detroit
10. Golf is back and heres a exerpt from my backpage Rick Reilly column in Caleb Pressleys potental upcoming book- hitting shelves soon maybe
We’re all sitting around right now watching Tiger Woods win the Tour Champonship and thinking how great it is. Hey if you like watching people win a imaginary title after 5 years of doing nothing then folk’s you should of seen my college graduation!
God damn thats going to be a great book.