49) Alexis Ren STINKS At Blowing Bubbles (Also Introducing Clickbait Smits)
[Editor’s Note: Introducing “Clickbait Smits”. It has come to my attention that “Pageviews” are the only factual, stone cold analytics that you can cite as evidence at this company to prove your worth 100% of the time. It doesn’t matter if you regularly create original content you can’t find anywhere else, help build up a brand into a powerhouse in which the company had zero foot inside, 3rd highest viewed video in Barstool Sports history, still (mostly) cover the home city and stick to the roots even though we’re a national brand, bring on great additions the likes of Jordie, Rone, and Fran (the latter of which you notice talent and put on the mic for the first time), am a regular on the Snapchat show, help out and assist ANYONE within the company at the drop of a hat, blah blah blah blah blah. It doesn’t matter. You apparently can’t intelligently measure those type of contributions here at Barstool Sports. So here we go, folks! You ready to have some blogging fun?!?!?!! Doggie videos, Barstool Sports IG rehashes, Intstagram models (the MOTHERLOAD!), one word/paragraph blogs, caption contests – The works!!! With no shame, either. Anything a mentally handicapped chimp can reproduce for Buzzfeed, I’m all over it. We’re gonna molest the front page of Reddit and provide some SCORCHING HOT TAEKS! Quality over quantity doesn’t matter in the world of “Pageviews”, and Clickbait Smits is here to SKYROCKET!!!!.]
Come on, Alexis! OMG!!! Be, dare I say, Bubblelicious for me one time. I mean, honestly, who can’t blow a bubble? I bet she can’t even walk and chew gum at the same time! Amiright! Oh well. Keep on doing you, Alexis. It’s a GREAT thing the barely legal Instagram model posts once a day because Clickbait Smits needs his pageviews poached like an apple dangling from the lowest branch! Mmmm tasty!
– Clickbait Smits
PS – At least she’s got other “talents” in the tank to fall back on other than blowing bubbles, if ya know what I mean. Wink, wink!
