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As Reported By John Feitelberg, Bert And Ernie Are Indeed Gay And Sesame Street Is Trying To Shove Them Back In The Closet

First off, I’d like to give a shout out to John Feitelberg  for his incredibly accurate and timely reporting on the Bert and Ernie story. I was on my way to an appointment yesterday afternoon when Hubbs tipped me off and by the time I was above ground it was blogged.  Well done.

Just about everything in the blog was well done with the exception of them getting fisted in the butt. Physically, it happened. But it wasn’t for pleasure or by choice. No one takes haymakers in the colon for fun. It was to make money. Other than that, this paragraph hits the nail on the head.

 “I’m here to crack that door and let them come spilling out. Bert and Ernie fuck like animals, and I don’t just say that because the guys who wrote the characters say that. They argue like a married couple, they wear rainbow colors, they sleep in the same room (they’re old fashioned and have separate beds, a completely normal thing for couples who got together in the 1940’s), and share clothes (or, as they refer to them constantly, “adorable outfits”). Oh, by the way, they also get fisted in the butt. Sounds pretty gay if you ask me.”

We knew these two little queens were gay all along. Bert is the disgruntled top, and Ernie is his flamboyant bottom. They just didn’t have the balls to come out. And now that they are out, Sesame Street for trying to shove them back in the closet.

For shame! Let the puppets live! I mean clearly this guy poured his heart and soul into the work. They were literally based on his entire life.

“In an interview with Queerty, Mark Saltzman was asked the question that many have wondered for years, and in a touching response shared for the very first time that Bert and Ernie were an analog for his own relationship with his late partner, Arnold Glassman.

‘Yeah, I was Ernie. I look more Bert-ish. And Arnie as a film editor—if you thought of Bert with a job in the world, wouldn’t that be perfect? Bert with his paper clips and organization? And I was the jokester,’ explained Saltzman.

‘So it was the Bert & Ernie relationship, and I was already with Arnie when I came to Sesame Street. So I don’t think I’d know how else to write them, but as a loving couple. I wrote sketches…Arnie’s OCD would create friction with how chaotic I was. And that’s the Bert & Ernie dynamic.'”

How much clearer does he have to make it? I guess Bert could get a spray tan and Ernie could use some hair product, maybe add some accessories, but that’s pretty much it. To force them back in the closet after they’ve come out is cruel and unusual punishment.

In all seriousness, and we talked about this on Barstool Breakfast this morning, the whole incorporating of gay characters feels a bit like pandering. I get that these two were long standing closeted puppets, but still. I felt the same way about the male cheerleaders in the NFL. We don’t need to make it a thing every time someone’s gay. Let the guy tell his story and move the fuck on. No need to issue a statement.

It’s funny to think how millions of kids were watching a real life relationship play out via two puppets for all those years though. Arnie and Mark get in a fight in real then it shows up on the show the next day. Mark probably had ALL the power in that relationship. Anyway, Bert and Ernie are gay, time to move on.

PS: Spot on…

PPS: Iconic