Amazon's Quest For World Domination Continues As They Will Now Sell And Deliver Live Christmas Trees
AP- Watch out for the 7-foot box on the doorstep. Amazon plans to sell and ship fresh, full-size Christmas trees this year. But a live tree is no paperback book. Amazon says the Christmas trees, including Douglas firs and Norfolk Island pines, will be bound and shipped without water in the usual sort of box. Amazon said they’ll be sent within 10 days of being cut down, possibly even sooner, and should survive the shipping just fine.
Amazon.com said the trees, wreaths and garlands will go on sale in November. Some will qualify for Prime free shipping, and Amazon will offer pre-orders so shoppers can choose a delivery date.
Look at Jeff Bezos getting his Grinch-level evil genius on once again by setting his sights on Christmas tree stands and turning his Capitalism Gun to “Kill”. I know some people will say that going out and picking a Christmas tree with your loved ones is a wonderful holiday tradition. But that tradition doesn’t seem as wonderful when you are standing in the cold, find a fatal flaw in 100 trees in a row because of the smallest bare spot, settle on one that you looked 20 minutes earlier because frostbite has set in, and become covered in sap as you lug the tree in your now pine needle filled house. I had one nightmarish experience where we went to a farm when my daughter was two and instead of finding a tree all we found was a pissed off, cold kid in a field of shitty trees that had me considering a switch to Judaism.
Sign me up for being able to do ALL your Christmas shopping on Amazon*. From the gifts, to the ornaments, to the fully-prepped Christmas dinner, to the live tree (fake tree people are fake Catholics that celebrate fake Christmas). I’ll admit that I will be a little concerned not being able to pick out the exact tree because I need it full and symmetrical as fuck so I can honor Baby Jesus properly. But you really can’t beat sitting in your warm living room and telling Alexa to order you a tree instead of battling the elements as well as the crowds. And since Amazon always ships things in boxes that are wayyyy too big, the 100 foot empty cardboard box will probably be your kids favorite thing to play with on Christmas morning.
This news isn’t all sugar plums and candy canes however. The mom and pop tree stands will obviously take a massive hit from this. Granted I haven’t gone to any of them ever since I was charged like $75 for a 4 foot tree back when I lived in New York City. Having to lug an overpriced tree back to my apartment in the blistering cold while trying to avoid people in those crowded ass streets was probably the moment I decided city living wasn’t for me. And I am reserving all my thoughts and prayers during the holiday season for the UPS delivery men that now have to add a million 7 foot boxes into their trucks along with all the other packages from Amazon after Black Friday hits. I guess the smell of a bunch of Christmas trees could alleviate some of that stress. But lugging a bunch of heavy 7 foot trees to peoples front door or apartment buildings will probably kill any positive vibes that glorious smell creates.
*As well as the Barstool Sports store. What will we do to bankrupt Portnoy this year? Find out in a few short months!