Something's Fishy About Aaron Rodgers
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Aaron Rogers’ devestating injury and christ-like comeback only served to highlight the NFLs refusal to protect star QBs with rule-changes that make it safer to play the most importent position for the league. Sure your not aloud to tackle the QB high, low, in-between if you land on him, late, or violently, but allowing Khalil Mack to be traded to the same division with superstar QBs Aaron Rogers and Kirk Cousins shows how reckless the league has become. It should be called the Grooney rule and the league should intervene when a talented pass rusher is looking to get traded to a team that has a elite QB within the division.
However, Something stood out to me in his postgame chat with Michelle Tafoya- he had a different type of voice allmsot and sounded like a NASCAR driver thanking his sponsers after a big win:
A couple things might be at play-
1.Danica Patrick likes it when he does his best Rusty Wallace inpression and has forced him to change the way he talks through the power of her magic chrystals.
2. This is not the real Aaron Rogers, but rather Brett Farve in a Mission Impossble style Aaron Rogers mask. Upon his return to the game, Rogers play was straight out of the book of Brett- somehow managing to fit into tight holes that no other QB could even dream of. He was just slingin it around out there looking like a kid having some fun like he’s playing in his backyard. The Packers saw Aarons knee torn to shreds and just put him down like a sick dog in the training room. Farve, who is always in attendence for home primetime games as is protocol, was ready to roll and he came in and just magically took over that offense.
Packers fans have allways secretly resented Aaron Rodgers for taking too good care of the football and not throwing into quintuple coverage on what was supposed to be a screen pass. They miss their gunslinger and the way he would smile and say aw shucks after having another 3 interception second-half on account of a couple third quater bloody mary’s. This was their guy and they’ve never really trusted Aaron and his cali-bro
3.He saw the ESPN segment were Marty Smith intervewed Deshaun Watson and he’s angling for a profile from resdent ESPN good ol boy Darty Marty. Marty seems like he’d be a pretty cool guy to drink light beer with and fall asleep in the sun next to a boombox playing inoffensive country music with a couple Merle Haggard songs tossed in for color. I dont think Aaron Rogers has any friends now that Jordy Nelson decided he was a better scheme fit for Jon Grudens offense that hates talent as opposed to Mike McCarthys offense which is simply indiffrent to it. So in other words Aaron just wants a buddy and Marty Smiths busness card might as well read “America’s Friend.” Folks I call him Sharty Smith because he can be a little shit, but dangit if hes not kinda funny.
Its defnitely not the fact that Rogers likes to play little pranks during his postgame appearances thats defnitely not it that would simply be childish and disrepsectful to Michelle Tafoya and her superme professionalism and comforting body language. Whatever it is something stinks to high heaven up in Wisconsin and folks its not the cheese. Its also probably a little bit the cheese.
On to the awards
Road Grader Of The Week: Ties
Folks there was nothing like that Cleveland Pittsburgh game. You want to talk about a statement tie- that was a power tie. Its like kissing your sister, but for a city whose more use to having other players superstars kiss members of the Quinn family its nice to get one for yourself. I would even submit that a tie is like edging with your sister. Your so unsatisyed you wish you hadnt done it, but now your depserate to get back in for your next game and try to finish. And its not just in football- Incest is back-
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Just check any front page of any porn site its basically all incest now, or stepmom flicks aka Incest Lite, likewise the Vikings are showing its perfectly normal to have a love/hate relationship with your cousins. Anyhoo I’d rather my QB make out with his sister then his son.
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. Anthony Sherman makes that Chiefs offense go. If your not familiar with him hes the 5’9 220 guy thats shaped like a fire hydrant and literaly drapes himself in the American flag as clothes instead of violating the US flag code like some of these other players. They call him the sausage patty because he complements the other ham & eggs guys they’ve got on that line so well. Hes like if you put Travis Kelces skill into a supersized ewok with Jason Kelces brain.
2. There can only be one:
Football Lad. All underwear does is restrict your nuts from swaying at there lowest pad level possible and a kilt solves that problem instantly. I will say however I’m not impressed with his lack of ball securty just letting his scrotum dangle like a loaf of bread out there. Nonetheless, Show me a man in a kilt and I’ll show you a bunch of guys standing around him that wish they were in a kilt.
3. Last night the world was “treated” to the debut of Matt Nagy as a head coach in the NFL. I put that in quotes because I miss Jon Fox. This new offense you have to trick your opponet as opposed to lining up and putting a hat on a hat. no Wonder this guy wears a visor he hates hat on a hat football. Mike Ditka must of been roling over in his mancave watching Nagys creative offense at home phoning in supsected rule violatons like hes a golf fan. You got a lineman split out wide in some sort of gimmick when he should be lined up in the backfield taking important carrys away from your hall of fame runningback.
4. On my way to steal your dalmations like
5. Leveon Bell sat out his first game as hes being extremeley patient in approaching the regular season like its one big line of scrimmage. He tweeted out a emoji of the monocle which is code for the fact that he only cares about one EYE as opposed to the collective WE. I dont understand why Leveon thinks he has all this leverage when in realty Ive noticed he hasnt even earned the logo to go on one side of his helmet so how good of a Steeler could he have been anyways?
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6. The Tom Brady Times has cease to exist and is probably pivoting to video or whatever. The Patriots are just kind of boringly great at this point and made a bunch of great plays. I guess Rob Gronkwski caught something besides chalmydia for the first time in 8 months and everyone told him how cool it was but the realty is that if he didnt make that catch over 4 Texans in traffic, Chris Hogan would of returned a punt for a TD, or Rex Burkhead would of had a drive with 7 catches for 55 yds and a TD so who really cares. Someone on the Patriots is allways going to do something good, and there going to win, and who even cares anymore its pointless to even get mad about it.
7. Nathan Peterman is everything I wanted. Sean McDermott says he needs to watch the film on Peterman before evalating his 5/18 for 24 yds and 2 INTs in a half of football. You never know stats dont always tell the whole story. If you go 5/18 in baseball your doing pretty good, and 24 yds means allmost 73 feet which is nearly all the way to first base. He threw for almost a single so maybe lets put some more repsect on his name. Peterman is either a entertainingly bad qb or a Sacha Baron Cohen character, and either way we just to be able to apprecate great performence art.
8. Since when do we postpone games for a little lightening? Couple thoughts on the matter:
-Electircty is used in hospitals and for public safety things like weather alerts and launching nuclear missiles, but its also apparently too dangerous to drink beer in? Someone explain to me how come thats not hypocrisy I’ll wait
-I think that these weather-related delays are a ploy from the government to get us to support there radical “stop damaging climate change” agenda. They realize the best way to get peoples attention is to postpone our sports games. Ill say it this way- if 3 football games a weekend were delayed due to feral lions roaming the field- the United States would immedately invest in a new branch of the military consisting of only Midwestern Dentists.
We all know that the United States goverment has been trying to control the weather for the past 100 years starting when Herbert Hoover would piss on everyones leg and tell them it was raining. But did you know there’s a entire complex built in Alaska called HAARP whose mission is to influence the weather And they’ve also been slow to ban vaping the number one cause of sick clouds.
I think that Roger Goodell and the rest of the radical left-wing billonaire owners like Bob McNair and Woody Johnson are conspiring to get you and I to give more of our hard-kept tax dollars to wind farms and solar panels and solar panels for the electrocution of Hillary Clintons basement sweatshop of kidnapped children of coalminers. If the NFL can control the weather they can controll your pocketbook they know this.
?9. The first week of the NFL league season is allways kind of a fun deal because you see all the new pieces in new places like with Kirk Cousins and the Vikings taking on his old coordnator that knew he wasnt cool enough to hang out on the west coast, so thats why they got Garopolo. Kirk Cousins thinks a 49er is a kama sutra position where your wife wants to have sex with you but your reading the liner notes to a creed album?. Kirk trademarked “You Vike That” which is his saviest business decision since he decided to save money on rent by sleeping inside Chris Cooleys butthole for three years.
Also- incredbly shrewd business decision by Dan Snyder to sign Manti Teos girlfriend to keep the guys loose on the sidelines:
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10. Matt Patrica makes his debut tonight as coach of the Lions on Monday Night Football, if the Scorcese movie hes taping about the guy who dropped out of the three tenors to join the mafia gets wrapped in time