7,000 Venomous Insects are Stolen from a Philadelphia Museum. It's Been Nice Knowing Ya, hilly

Source – A Philadelphia museum is pleading with thieves to bring back its bugs.

In all, 7,000 insects, arachnids and lizards disappeared from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion last week. And they didn’t creepy-crawl themselves out of the building on their own.

According to a New York Times report, police have zeroed in on three suspects, all current or former museum employees. The report cites security footage showing thieves slipping out of the building with large plastic containers. And inside those containers? An estimated $50,000 worth of giant African mantises, bumblebee millipedes, warty glowspot roaches, tarantulas, dwarf and tiger hissers, and leopard geckos.

How many times have we seen this before? It’s a tale as old as time, as modern as a SyFy Original Movie. Scientists play God with Nature. Something goes horribly, horribly wrong. Nature fights back. Mankind gets its comeuppance. But it’s too late to do anything about it. Nature takes out her wrath. Everything gets destroyed. All we need is the one guy who thought it was a horrible idea to house 7,000 murder bugs in a museum with no security grabbing the head scientist by the collar of his lab coat screaming “I told you not to do this but YOU … WOULDN’T … LISTENNNN!” while thousands of mutated insects crawl over them and rip the flesh off their bones. So nice goin’, Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion. Now we will all suffer for your hubris.

Unless … Maybe it’s not to late. These thieves, carrying 7,000 bugs, can’t be traveling too fast. They’re probably still in the area. If we set up a perimeter around Philly, get the National Guard to put a ring of steel around the place and make sure nothing gets in our out, we could level the city with nukes. That might sound harsh, but from where I’m sitting, it’s the only way. Best case scenario, we kill all the bugs and save the rest of the country. Second best case scenario, we irradiate the 6-eyed sand spider, he bites me, and I get superpowers and use them to seduce Mary Jane Watson. Worst case scenario, the bug thieves are already gone and we’ve just nuked one of America’s best cities for no reason. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Let’s face it, Philadelphia had a pretty nice go of it. From 1682 to 2018, that’s almost 340 years. Not bad for any town. They wrote the Declaration of Independence there. Had Dr. J. The Rocky Balboa statue. Feral cats running around Veterans Stadium. Pelting Santa with snowballs. Silver Linings Playbook was OK. It’s Always Sunny is a Top 10 sitcom of all time, easily.  And let’s face it, life peaked for them when the Eagles won. So it’d all be downhill for them anyway. So I think the merciful thing is a swift and painless mass-death. I think they’d all rather die quickly in a plutonium fireball than to be ravaged by killer spiders or bitten by some obscure larval species that mutates them into human/warty glowspot roach hybrid.

So goodbye, Philly. Thanks for all the laughs. Sorry about this, but it’s for the greater good.