Locked And Loaded: The Cleveland Browns Have The Best Two Quarterbacks In The AFC North
Watching Hard Knocks give you a tendency to overestimate the qualty of the team being featured. Heck I can recall thinking the Kansas City Chiefs were going to make the playoffs and that Mike Tannenbaum of the Jets would have a pair of gold cargo shorts made up for him one day in Canton. But let me tell you- this Cleveland Browns team is diffrent. They are absoluteley locked in loaded at the QB position with the two best signal callers of any team in the entire AFC North.
Tyrod Taylor and Brogan Roback are the future of football. Broback mountain, as many of the kids are calling the RV where the two of them “bond”, is ground zero for the Browns emerging dominance at the QB position. You’ve got the elder statesman in Tyrod who is confusing defenses by making it diffcult for them to figure out how to pronounce the name of the QB they’re going to underestimate. Tyrod has played for a Harbaugh and a Ryan, which means he understands both sides of Todd Haleys personalty where he either wants to fight him or fuck him.
The other threat is Brogan Roback. This is a guy who thinks shotgun formaton is when your buddy tosses you a natty ice and a set of keys from a bacony. This is a guy who has had a tan for the last 7 years from falling asleep in front of a mirror, jerking off to how attractive he thinks he is, then napping. Brogran is the equivlant of a hero in a modern day folk tune, like if LMFAO wrote a song about Jim Sorgi. He’s Johnny Appleseed except instead of planting trees hes showing kids if you smoke enough weed you can fool any baseline memory test to make you essentally invincible to concussons. Now true, we havent really seen Broback get that many reps but we all know the Browns play the players there mad at every single snap during the preseason, so we can only conclude that they love Brogan more then any other player on the roster. Perhaps there waiting for the Seahawks to offer a first round pick for him, and saving him from the potential of getting injured in a game, or confused.
Dont beleve me? Lets take a look at the other teams in the division and see how they stack up at QB:
The Bengals:
Now that they dont have AJ McCarron to use as a threat anymore to Andy Dalton, or any nearby fax machines, The Bengals dont have anyone on the roster who is theoriticaly good even though we havent seen him play yet. The Browns have that in Roback. The unknown in football is a thousand times more valuble than what you know
They do have Matt Barkley though who at this point in his career is a poor mans Matt Barkley. The Bengals essentally made the playoffs last year by not allowing the Ravens to make the playoffs last year, thrwarting their potential team of destiny status and sending the Bills down to be the sacrificial lamb to the JagginWagon.
The Steelers:
Ok so you have a Ben Rothlisbergers exoskeleton which at this point is made out of 90% fingerprint dust and the rest is skin thats held together by dried blood. Bens face is getting so fat hes giving himself concussions from chewing gum and hes allready gotten himself hurt by forgeting to wear a helmet (not the first time), I think when it really comes down to it Big Ben believes that hes dead. On one hand you cant get killed if your already dead but on the other hand you cant fake any injuries to get sympathy either. Brogan Roback is everything what Ben Rothlisberger wishes he could be from the cool hair, to the Pete Davidson meets Rob Gronkowski vibe- tough for Ben to not look at Brogan and see a younger version of what he should of become.
Meanwhile Mason Rudolph and Landry Jones have pretty good backup QB names so they should be well prepared to open up used car dealerships in Tulsa after there careers are over. They sound like the names of the two first people to die in the orignal version of True Grit. If all the shit hits all the fans I bet Mason and Landry could open up a saloon in Pittsburgh
The Ravens:
Joe Flacco is the frontrunner of NFL MVP this year but hes also the frontrunner for most likeley to finish dead last in every possble category besides sucking. This is jus tthe deal with the devil you make with Joe Cool. This season for Flacco is the plotline of my rewite of John Q were Pam Anderson takes a entire hopsital hostage until she can get a bigger set of boobs- called “Boom or Bust” and its box office gold. Joe is at his best right when people think hes going to be his worse, which is a sound strategy for locking up a long term contract or for hitting the sack with a new partner for the first time. “If you dont ecxpect too much from me, you might not be let down”- Thomas Jefferson.
The Ravens made some nice additons to their receiving corps in signing RG3 and Lamar Jackson but the real test is going to be to see if Joe Flacco can hold off Liberty Universities Josh Woodrum who is backed up by the father son and holy ghost. Flaccos a Catholic which is probly explains the canon he keeps on his shoulder but also is big reason why he struggles verse the Saints. As a avowed Protestant Woodrums ten commandments ensures he will attack opponets who are Lion or Steelers.
My only concern with the Ravens is that Flacco tuaght Tyrod everything he knows about being boring. Taylor was Joe Flaccos understudy during the most elite(?) years of his career which means as the backup QB he was the most popular guy in town. Since Flaccos never been a backup hes never been popular which means Tyrod has a mental advangtage.
In Conclusion
In Conclusion, the Cleveland Browns have gone from having the worse QBs in the NFL to having the best top 2 quarterbacks in the whole league. If you were to build a 2-man NBA jam team out of every squad in the NFL Cleveland would be at the top and its not even close. This is the year for Cleveland- with Tay-rod and Brogan “Brogan” Roback- they should be set for the next bakers dozen or so years.