Barstool Exclusive: 1-On-1 With Cubs' Legend, David Bote

BLOGGER DISCLAIMER / Quick FYI – I did not interview David Bote because I’m not a credentialed media guy so I had to conduct this interview by myself and then just imagine what David Bote would say to my questions. Obviously this isn’t perfect. Obviously there are some flaws in the process. Shoot me. I don’t give a fuck. Just accept that this is the best interview David Bote has never given, and I am therefore extremely excited to bring you this exclusive content.

David Bote is the hottest baseball player in the world right now. People are saying the Cubs should straight up release Kris Bryant and go Bote full time at 3rd. Personally I think that’s a little bold but what do I know? So with that spirit, I tracked down David Bote to get his takes on all things David Bote. Let’s hear from Chicago’s most beloved utility man:

Thanks for joining me today David. 

You’re welcome Carl. I’m very excited to be here and in general, just a very excited guy overall. 

Take it easy David we haven’t even started yet and you’re being weird.

Gotcha. Well then let me just first apologize for getting that wrong. I didn’t even realize you hadn’t asked me a question yet until you told me just now. I’m very sorry if I offended you or anyone else in this process. I apologize big time. Very very sorry. 

Speaking of unjustified apologies, you apologized for throwing your bat in the air after hitting a walk off grand slam last night. You said it was in the heat of the moment and that you weren’t being disrespectful. Any part of that you want to walk back or do you really feel bad for the bat flip? 

It’s 2018 carl. Idk what to say. Someone is going to get mad at me no matter what. Either its Ryan Madson for throwing a 2-strike fastball right down broadway that I bitch slapped into Russian air space, or its Bryce Harper because he doesn’t play for us yet and is sick of losing. Or it’s Kris Bryant because he just found out that actually *I’m the fuckin man* and everyone knows it now. So there’s a lot at play here and almost all of it revolves around me stroking that game winning grand fucking slam. 

So I’m taking the easy way out from now on. Everyone gets an apology. It’s like going on Oprah. You get a car, you get a car, you get a car except I’m handing out apologies and you don’t have to pay income tax on that shit you know carl? 

Sure. What’s your favorite movie? 

American Psycho

Do you know you lead MLB in average exit velocity? Take a look at this picture: 

No I did not know that I was this much better than Franchy Cordero and Matt Olson. Thank you for showing me this picture.

Well now that you know, what do you think about it?

I mean I think it’s pretty clear that I can absolutely fucking SMOKE major league pitching. Like I’m not trying to be a hardo I’m just saying that I’m noticeably better than Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton. Look at the numbers. Last time I checked numbers don’t lie. Hips do. And my hips are generating a ridiculous amount of torque right now. So suck on that. 

Speaking of numbers what was your favorite subject in elementary school? 

Gym class for fucksake but also a soft spot for arts n crafts because I like the fundamental components of creativity. I’m a sucker for arts n crafts. 

But gun to your head you loved gym class more? 

No question. Parachute. Floor hockey. Those dumb scooters. Everything about gym class was awesome. 

Did you ever hit a walk off grand slam in gym class? 

No just last night against the Washington Nationals on Sunday Night Baseball. Never forget carl

Cool. Follow up question to that – when and how did you lose your virginity? 

I can’t comment on that for a couple of reasons, most notably I do not want to offend anyone any more than I did  with my bat flip. But I will say that last night is the first time I have ever fucked an entire baseball team on national television and it felt pretty good. 

Speaking of Sex, are you going back to Iowa when Kris Bryant returns from the DL? 

Honestly I better not. I don’t see Theo or Jed hitting game winning grand slams. Do you?

No but have you ever seen Theo or Jed swing a bat? 

Yeah and they suck compared to me. I’m awesome. 

On topic – what is a Bote Boner? 

A Bote Boner is a slightly thicker, much stiffer and more Elite style of boner that people (guys and girls) get when watching me play baseball. It’s like a regular boner but a lot more explosive if you can imagine.

I can imagine.

And so really I’m just trying to give out as many Boners as possible every time I take the field. It’s my passion.