FMK: Lebron James Should Have Been Assessed A Technical Foul For Touching The Rim During Layup Lines
Wellcome to the Monday Morning Football Morning Kwickie, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Everyones favorite roll model Lerbon James took time out from making dough on pizza to intimidate his sons upcoming opponents in a AAU recreational basketball game over the weekend. My jaw was literaly on the floor when I saw people tucking their delonte west size boners into there sweatpants talking about how cool that must of been for Lebron Jr.s team. Well I’ve got news for you- what Lebron did was illegal and also against rules- both written and unwritten.
The rules exist for a reason- one to ensure that the goal remains in regulation condition for the game itself. Maybe Lebron told his team he was going to bend the rim to one side so they should take more shots from a specific wing of the hardwood. The other reason is because its technically trespassing. Our taxes pay for those basketball rings and they only have the gym reserved between a certain time.
Funny how Lerbron will participate in a dunk contest around a bunch of highschoolers but eschews the big stage during the NBA all star game. At any rate we can all agree that Lebron Jr is well on his way to easly eclipse his fathers college scoring total at which point you have to ask who the alpha is in his own family. I dont mean to start out a football column dicsussing a fake sport like the NBA so I will beg your forgiveness and move on to the takes
Road Grader of the Week: Matt Patricia
The Lions head coach instuted a variation of the Oklahoma Drill on the first day of traning camp up in Detroit. Love this. Football isnt rocket science its about head to head matchups. Sometimes in life you gota put your head into a guys numbers which is why he allways tucks a number 2 behind his ear. You cant learn how to protect a lead if you dont start with protecting graphite.
My favorite part of the year is the annual traditon where former patriots assistants show up for there first camp as a head coach and need to show the world how tough they’re. Usually it dosent work on account of Belichick probably trains his assistants wrong so he can beat them after they leave- kind of like a self-destruct feature on a rogue nuclear submarine, but if theres a team that could match what the Patriot way is all about its a team whose literaly named after not telling the truth.
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. Rick Pitino is putting out a book tentively titled “I came, I saw, I came again”
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If I’m Pitino Im insisting that all the good parts of the book will be lamnated so readers can play along at home as well, or perhaps pages 2 and 3 in all first editions will be shipped stuck together as a collectors item. Just have some fun with the marketing.
2. Speaking of gentlemen who know how to comport themselves inside restraunts in mixed company lets see how Big Ben has spent his summer vaction:
This is smart though I hope Bens loading up on good fats that last longer and burn slower, literaly extending plays in your metabolism. Lets open up a new page in Big Bens ettiquette book to page 12 where we learn that its never approprate to ask a woman her age unless your on a double date with Mark Sanchez.
3. Todd Haley looks liek hes having some issues adapting to his new players up in Cleveland
Everyone knows Todd comes in day 1 with cool individual handshakes for all his new guys except there all variations of when you put the skin between your middle and ring fingers together with a nother guy and it looks like a vagina. Landry obvously dosen’t get the joke and his status as a guys guy shoud be immedately called into question.
4. Its time to ask if the Washington Redskins offseason championship streak qualfies them as a dynasty. The team basicaly acquired a Aaron Rogers-type QB in the offseason if only because they stopped talking to their cousins. And Since Dan Snyder took the team over they’ve remained commited to making a splash big enough to drown the owner- which dosent sound like that high of a mark in Snyders case until you realize that he only looks small because of his personalty and he would be considered a giant in a room with napoleon and Hitler- two other guys who had trouble conquering the east.
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5. Arizona Cardinals are first ones to set the bar for football guyness. New Head Coach Steve Wilks gave each player a brick to keep with them as a reminder that you have to lay a brick every day so in other words look for them to sign Markelle Fultz. Its also a possbility that the bricklaying is a sly nod to the history of freemasons in illuminati culture. Wilks also has guys going one-on-one smashing into each other with limited padding in a touching tribute to Sam Bradfords tibia and femur.
6. Jimmy Garopollo needs to reevaluate his priotries if he’s going to make it as a big time NFL QB. Your on the 49ers not the 69ers son and you’d never catch any of the all-time greats like Joe Namath galavanting around town with a adult film actress. In my opinion he should stick to dating someone with more scruples in there day job. Tom Brady was suppose to be setting a example for the kid, dating a cover girl model but Jimmy obvously only paid attention to the first three letters of Bradys wifes name.
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Please everyone stop comparing my looks to Jimmy Garapolos, its flattering and I can understand why many people are saying it, but its a little embarassing
7. Well well well it looks like the PC police have claimed a nother victim in Trea Turner- Washingtons star shortstop. If you wrote something racist and it was longer ago then 2 years then it dosent count those are the rules. Who would of ever thought a National SS would have problematic tendecnies, not me. Plus he said that he is no longer homophobic enough to tweet homophobic things which makes sense since Trea Turners name literaly means Lazy Susan so its no wonder his views had revolved.
8. Thoughts and prayers to Alex Jones who has been kicked off facebook. Fortunateley Senator Ted Cruz came to his defense to ask for him to get reinstated. I remember when Thomas Payne said i may not agree with the fact that you called my wife a reptilian slut but ill defend to the death your right to say it. And Senator Cruz is right- we cant just have something removed from the internet just because we dont like it first alex jones then whats next incest porn?
9. All you armchair Quaterbacks out there need to give my man Josh Allen a break. Sure if your looking at this clip its defnitely LOOKs like hes overthrowing his RB by a metric mile but you havent seen the tall-22 so you actualy dont know diddly squat.
For all you know there could of been a Tight End running the Y banana that he underthrew by 15 yards proving that if anything he actualy has TOO much touch on his passes, so lets not jump to conclusions untill you know what your talking about. Still looks good in shorts though.
10. Lets get this Eagles QB controvery going fullspeed. People forget that the Philadelphia Eagles beat the New England Patriots soundly in Super Bowl LII but you know who dosent forget? Me. The Eagles were a better team without Wentz who showed his one glaring weakness of only having two legs when he got one of them injured. Nick Foles has a break glass in case of emergency femoral artery dangling in tween his own thighs.
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And sure the Eagles may of had a successfull year last year but before we talk about how great they are lets hear from Ben McAdoo who isnt quite sure the Eagles know how to handle sucess. Say what you want about Ben McAdoo and his archive of Mad Magazines and magic books but the man knows that the easiest way to never be accused of not handling success well is to never have it to being with. They asked Pederson what he thought about McAdoo and he said “I don’t want to get in a pissing contest over that” which would be a fools errand anyways since Nick Foles would have a 11 inch head start.
11. Joe Flacco might be the Ravens best WR theyve had in the last 10 years. While I reported last week that RG3 is Flaccos prototypical receiver do to his extraordinary abilty to have his body flail around like a ragdoll at the first sign of any pass interference- it should also be noted that Flacco is Lamar Jacksons prototypical pass catcher since he’s too slow to be underthrown. This offense could be scary this year.
Heres what I hope dosent happen: The Ravens treat Flacco like the kid in the first grade play who cant remember his lines anymore so they keep finding new increasingly inconsequencial parts to play until hes on stage like a tree or the water heater in Death Of A Salesman. And being moved to WR on the Ravens is basicaly like being the lifeguard in the olympic swimming events.
12. Kerry Coombs is offically on the football guy watchlist
This guy is one part Steel Wool, one part Cotton from King of the Hill. Buckle up youre chin strap is right. My coach use to tell us if our helmets came off in practice our punishment was we had to do the next drill without a hat which toughened us up and taught us accountabilty.
13. Ryan Tannehill has literaly upgraded:He went from having his GPA promnentaly displayed on his knee brace to his lifetime QBR. Next step for sure this year