The Football Morning Kwickie- Kissing Titties Is Out, Slapping Asses Is In
Good morning folk’s I start my humble column with the two most importent words in the English language besides moist and tactical: The NFL’s back.
This theme for this offseason has been a brand new one: The only constant in this league is change. Thats a saying I invented. You may of noticed a slight difference to the MMBM format and its mostly due in part to Peter King moving on from his MMQB on onto greener pastures at NBC with his brand new column “Football Morning in America”. Just in case you thought you were going to get watered down mealy mouthed Peter King now that hes working for NBC- just take one look at the name of this segement of his new column:
This is triple distilled Peter King boiled and reduced down to a potent flavorfull rich coffee-noted bullion of nuance. Still got it. Still flamethrowing. Still delivering those quasi-weridish nuggets. Maybe the world would of taken Moses 10 commandments more serously if they were called the “ten things I think I thought I thunk God thought you should know maybe.” Perhaps Lane Kiffin would of think he thought twice about the whole coveting your neighbors wife thing. So Im workshopping new ideas for the MMBM column. This one is going to be called Football Morning Kwickie- the FMK
This Weeks F’s
Future Rookie of the Year Josh Allen of the Buffalo Bills has gotten off to a hot start sabertericaly this year slapping more asses per day then anyone thought possible. Thats how guys bond. We touch each other in places that are allmost homoerotic which is the least homoerotic thing you can do. Its why Greek wrestlers were completeley nude and also the best warriors.
Kissing titties is out- slapping butts is back with a couple caveats. First is they have to be your teamates or a opponet who just knocked the snot bubbles out of your sinus cavty. The only way to come back from getting come on man’d is by slapping your opponent on his butt and letting him know “cool ass bub.” This shoud be phase one of the concussion diagnosis: “if you grab a tush, your brains not mush”
Fast.
For all you idiots who thought that Al Davis could be killed Its no coincdence that a giant black sarcophogus was unearthed in Egypt and opened on the same week that a professonal football team offered Usain Bolt a contract.
Football guy. RIP to Tony Sparano, noted indoor sunglasses wearer, and ultmate football guy.Wish we could of gotten many many more years with Tony in the game. They say the hours coaches spend in the office takes its toll on the body and from what I’ve seen it is pretty insane and Sparano was defnitely a driven guy. He was also tough as nails- tried to walk off chest pains and ironically for the guy we remember so well being the interim Raiders coach it might of been a football that buried him.
This Weeks M’s
MVP 2018 Joe Flacco
The Ravens are getting there quarter back. Thats right- Joe Flacco is back to being Joe- Flacco has added a new element to his game- his feet. The Ravens are installing what Im calling a Joebility package in there playbook to take advantage of Flaccos speed which has decreased so much that its now underated. Fun fact- houseflys see the world in slow motion, so the best way to kill one is to move extremeley slower so they dont see you moving at all untill its too late. Thats how the Ravens are hoping to use Joe. The last time Baltmore had a guy who was a duel threat in charge of so much of the local treasury his name was Alexander Hamilton folks.
MRI-G3 The Ravens 3rd string QB is on the verge of a massive comeback. Came up with a startling idea last night on PMT and Im shocked no one has seen it since its plainer than the nose on your face: RG3 wasnt brought in as a QB- he was brought in to be the most effective WR in the history of Flaccos Ravens. He is the ultmate weapon when it comes to complimenting Flaccos greatest strength- his abilty to draw pass interferences at long bombs. Thing about it- what are Robert Griffins best attributes besides writing erotic public comments on his wifes instagram page? His speed and his tendency to look like hes getting into a car accident whenever someone touches him. Griffin is the prototypical recever in Flaccos offense, he just needs to run a cross route directley into Vontaze Burfict every third down and have his body do the thing where he looks like a goose that flew directley into a jet engine. Automatic first down every time.
Live look at Robert Griffin trying to play verse bump and run coverage:
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This Week’s Ks:
-Kill the Rovell Daily Times
Thoughts and prayers go out to the New York Daily News who are cutting 50% of there editorial staff today most likely do to competition from new media companys that appeal more to millneals like the Rovell Daily Times. Milleneals want there news more and more from these quick his sources of outragous headlines and biting satirical wit that Rovell is so good at delivering.
Big time disruptive play here and a warning shot to the rest of digital media. In the time honored traditon of Ford Motors, Anheiser Busch, and Alex Jones- you dont have to be first to market with your idea- you just have to be louder. So in that spirit may I present to you our competing publication- The Rovell Daily Post:
Looks like we got a old fashion content war on our hands ladys and gentlemen
Khicago
Peter Kings column opens up with the three Ms of chicago which is typically Malort, and More Malort- but instead its Matt Mark and Mitch the name of the Bears new Coach, Offesnive Coordinator, and QB. The three bears would of been a much stronger allegory in my mind since Virginia McCaskey is going to want to jump out a window when she sees these guys try to run a offense. Kind of a joke there because I think Matt Nagy is going to be a exellent coach as long as he dosent try to bring that cosmopolitain coastal elite KC high flying offense into a ground and pound city like Chicago. In a state long known for its corruption letting murderous gansgters and there close cousins- communty organizers run there politics, The Bears need to put a Governor on Mayor Nagy.
Kowards: Mitch Trubisky and Kyle Long quit twitter for the season which is a bit of a cowardly move. True competitors rise to the occaison when they get bergated by there fantasy owners. Also many of us who are in active twitter communties know more about football then the guys who play it since we are able to watch 16 times as much NFL as they are on Sundys because we get to look at TV. Its like who knows more about realty television- some rando cheftestant or Andy Cohen? Its Andy right. Beethoven famously tuned out all the haters when he performed and it cost him his career. Hey Mitch- as someone who purchases alot of light beer and encourages friends to buy trucks- I technicaly pay your salary and as your boss I demand you reengage on twitter so I can call you slurs when you underthrow a seam route in a preseason game.