What To Watch for The 30th Edition of Shark Week Opening Night
The 30th edition of America’s favorite week celebrating the coolest predator to exist on this flying space rock begins tonight. There is a TON of cool stuff, and some retreads of past years you might want to skip. To make things easier to wade through, each day I’ll try to decipher the must watch shows from the stinkers of each night of the week.
SUNDAY JULY 22ND
8 p.m. — “Bear vs. Shark”
Adventurer Bear Grylls takes on a whole new set of challenges against the ocean’s most powerful predators.
Let me start by saying that if Bear is drinking Shark piss then I’m pulling up a recliner and not moving an inch. Discovery is going with their tried and true starter here. The guy in the rotation you know can give you 6 or 7 solid innings and give you a shot. Now I know there are a lot of Survivorman Les Stroud fans that hate Bear Grylls. Some people say he was exposed and even he asserted he was “an entertainer” when pressed. From the promo above, that looks pretty tough to completely fake. The shot of him Bukkakeing himself with the chum is just something I can’t hate on no matter how hard I try, even if it is really red food coloring and plastic mullet. Its the opening show of Shark Week, so even if its some lukewarm buffalo wings, this is an appetizer you at least have to eat some of.
9 p.m. — “Shaq Does Shark Week”
Shaquille O’Neal works to overcome his fear of sharks with some help from ex-Marine and comedian Rob Riggle, who will help train him before the big plunge.
The Big Shaqtus is one of the most tried and true electric factories for the past 20 years of humanity. Whether he was pulling rims off and shattering backboards in basketball games or shitting on Charles Barkley’s face during weekday halftimes on TNT, the dude knows how to make it happen. As a shark nerd, I fear this is going to be more about Shaq than it is about sharks, but it will undoubtedly be the most talked about program of the night. I have a sneaking suspicion there is a high probability for a new Shaq nickname as well. This is the MUST WATCH program of the night simply because it is Discovery’s fastball. I want to see what they have in store with their Ace on the 30th edition of the best week on TV.
10 p.m. — “Ronda Rousey Uncaged”
Olympian and UFC Hall of Famer Ronda Rousey sets out to test her courage as she attempts to step outside the safety of any cage to face the ultimate fighter of the sea — the mako shark.
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Ronda has had quite the tumultuous last few years, but has shown that she at least moves the needle. Whether it be getting destroyed by the Preacher’s Daughter or joining WWE, people still clearly care what she does. Shows like this sometimes bore the shit out of me though. “Will she be able to overcome her fears and do the unthinkable?!”… Yes she clearly will, and we will most definitely feel unenthused at the end. I want to see shit about these absolutely fascinating creatures, not a beaten down UFC fighter pretend to act out a character arc of fear and miraculous success. To use a wrestling term, someone needs to take a big time bump and get their arm taken off to reset the spectrum of “will they overcome their fears and beat the odds”. Might be time to crush a shitload of ice cream and go to bed before the Sunday Scaries hit too hard and you end up staring at your bank account at 1:30am wondering how you are going to make back 600 bucks before the rent is due.
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