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Francis Ellis

Big News: I'm Part Of The Internet Invitational! UPDATE: I'll Go Fuck Myself!

You guys hear about this Internet Invitational? Million bucks on the line. Real money, even to a kid whose ancestors booted the captain of the Mayflower out of his room because they liked his view better. Poor guy took the first mate's bunk, which put that little bitch down below with the deck hands

Best Of 2024 - The Subtle, Maddening Art Of Texting With Dave Portnoy

Years ago, Dave Portnoy gave me his phone number. I like to think he said something like "here, you'll need this" and then took my phone and punched it in himself, like some assertive jock on a college quad, not knowing it's for TikTok and his videographer is shooting from a window 200 yards away. T

Best Of 2024 - The Top 10 Golf Courses I've Played That Make Other People Jealous They Haven't Played Them

Picture this: you have a 10:30AM tee time at some private course you've been dying to play for years. Your buddy met a member at a mutual friend's bachelor party and sauced him up right, high-fiving him with the right amount of fake enthusiasm over a blackjack win, to get the invite. The member is a

Reflections On My Confusing Exit From Surviving Barstool

If one more person texts, DMs, tweets, or flies an airplane towing a banner telling me "you should have played your idol," I'm going to headbutt two protruding flathead screwdrivers to blind myself from you backseat driving, hindsight 20/20-having morons. Will Compton, I'm looking at you specificall

The Meatheads Have Spoken, And Apparently I Did Not Sustain A Concussion

In last night's episode of Surviving Barstool, strategy and tact left the building. They were replaced by brute violence. The challenge was as simple as it was likely to result in injury. The key to this challenge was being able to throw haymakers from a position of ill-balanced footing. Bonus point

Here's Why I Told Big Cat And Dave I Had An Immunity Idol

On last night's episode of Surviving Barstool, I told Dave and Big Cat (and Whit) about the immunity idol I'd been holding as a secret through the first four episodes. I've been pilloried for this decision, and rightfully so given the way that it was presented in the show. Many of you wondered how s

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Francis Ellis

Stand-up comedian. Barstool Idol Season 1 winner. Former Harvard lax player.

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