From the Video of the Thieves' Getaway to the French Detective in Charge of the Investigation, Everything About the Louvre Heist Continues to Be Straight Out of a Movie

DIMITAR DILKOFF. Getty Images.

The cliche' "You can't make it up" doesn't apply to the break in at the Louvre. Because if you were going to make it up, you'd do it in the exact way it went down. 

…  Police have not yet found the criminals, but one of the stolen relics — a damaged crown belonging to Napoleon III's wife — was discovered nearby. The largest diamond in the collection, weighing 140 carats, was left untouched by the thieves.

The world's most famous museum. A veritable fortress, with air tight security. Home to the some of the great treasures of the world. Irreplaceable works of art. Priceless valuables beyond comprehension. Broken into in broad daylight. Not by an elite gang of heavily armed men in masked overpowering the guards. Not by a couple of highly trained cat burglars, silently slipping by all the elaborate anti-theft devices in the middle of the night. Not Ocean's 11. Not Die Hard or Entrapment or Mission: Impossible or the criminally underrated Sneakers (RIP, Robert Redford.)

But a simple smash-and-grab like you'd see at a lower Manhattan Cash-for-Gold joint. Carried out in broad daylight by a small band of dudes in construction worker gear you can get at any Harbor Freight for about 30 bucks. But very dramatic nevertheless. 

There's something about the French that makes everything they touch feel cinematic, and this one is no exception. Like something Francois Truffaut would've directed that film school grads and other pretentious cinephiles would rave about and argue it's far superior to lesser American movies of the Heist Film genre. 

Take, for instance, the thieves getaway. Which we now have video of:

Daily Mail - This is the moment the brazen robbers who stole priceless jewellery worth an estimated £76million from the Louvre escaped down a ladder before fleeing on scooters. 

The video shows two thieves coming down a large ladder in a mechanical delivery basket parked by the famous museum in the heart of Paris. 

One was wearing a hi-vis jacket, the other appeared to be in an all-black get-up. 

At least one other person was seen at the bottom of the ladder. The men are not threatened by anybody as security guards express their intense frustration.

'The individuals are on scooters – they are about to leave,' says one, as police sirens can be heard in the background.

'Blast! Try the police. They've gone!,' can also be heard, along with swear words. …

Once their getaway drivers pulled up on scooters, the men began their seven-minute raid – propping their ladder up against the museum's wall, scurrying to the top and using an angle grinder to pierce through the window.

They also managed to evade the camera that monitored the room that was pointing completely in the wrong direction. 

Inside, they threatened unarmed guards and visitors before breaking into two display cabinets and looting nine prized items, estimated to be worth up to £76million. 

The two robbers then fled via the same window, climbing down the ladder and then hopping onto the back of their accomplices' scooters below. 

It comes after the museum's director admitted that security cameras did not cover the window thieves used to break-in and steal uninsured jewellery. 

This might sound like the most French thing of all time. Security cameras that didn't work. Others pointing away from the priceless artifacts. Which is enough to make you wonder where they find the audacity to call them, "security" cameras when they don't "secure" anything. (The majority of you reading this have more security on their front porch guarding the $57 Crewneck you ordered from Barstool Shop than the French had on Napoleon III's crown.) Unarmed "guards', which means they're not "guarding" anything. And all of it uninsured. Right. Because why pay someone to cover the cost of your valuables? It's not like anyone would be interested in carrying off $110 million worth of precious gems they can stuff into a gym bag. Or ever be able to get past your defenses of broken cameras and mall cops. Well done, Frenchies.

But as French as all this is, nothing screams "France" like the man they've put in charge of the investigation. Every post about this guy claims he's real, even though he seems like an AI creation. I'm going to assume that's true, despite the fact this guy is so on the nose. Or maybe because he is that no one would fake this:

Sacre bleu! We could expect nothing else than a caper like this being investigated by a walking cliche like this guy. How long do we guess Hercule Poirot here spent getting ready to face the journos? Making sure he's got just the right vest and jacket combo for he occasion. Getting just the proper jaunty angle for that hat. Practicing the affected pose with the umbrella and hand in his pocket for the cameras. If he didn't immediately light a cigarette and hold it to his lips with his palm up, I'll eat a wheel of smelly French cheese. And I can guarantee you he went to an outdoor cafe for a two-hour lunch that began with a nice Cabernet and ended with a tiny little cup of very strong coffee that he sipped with his legs crossed and that coat over his shoulders. 

Good luck with that, France. We have crime in America, too. But we prefer our lead detectives to be troubled loners who've had three heart attacks and drink coffee out of giant styrofoam cups. Who get 90% of their calories handed to them out drive-thru windows, which they then eat in the front seat while on stakeouts and complain how their wives are always nagging them to eat better. We like our cops to start their investigations by walking into a strip joint and asking around. Or go to a local pimp to get the word on the street. Our detectives have all solved at least one case after they've had a fight with their superior and slammed their badge and gun down on his/her desk and stormed out of the precinct. I'll bet Inspector Clouseau here has never once even thought of saying, "I'm getting too old for this shit" with a Marlboro on his lips. Not effete, foppish fancylads like this guy. 

That's how you fight crime. But the best way to make it so you don't have to, is to simply guard your valuables. They might want to try it sometime. 

All that said, I can't wait until this one hits the theaters.