Why Not Being On The First Class List Gives Life Meaning

The big talk around these parts this week is the Barstool first class list. A domino effect of Sas complaining because he loves to complain led to a Dave investigation of who’s on this mysterious list and kicking multiple people off of it. 

Now I know what you’re all thinking, “Tommy how the FUCK are you not on the first class list?” My DMs have been flooded with many asking that question. Dave actually texted me after the stream and said “Yo yo! Couldn’t help but notice you weren’t on the list. I assume that was a mistake? Gotta get you on it ASAP if not brotha!” 

And while I appreciate that sentiment from the boss man, I had to politely decline getting a spot on the list. First of all, I know there’s no world in which I belong on that list. But the main reason is that if I was guaranteed to fly first class on every Barstool flight I took, my life would be utterly devoid of all meaning. Let me explain why. 

Two years ago at 27 years old, I decided it was finally time to get into the credit card game. I had some stupid FlexCard from CitiBank that got me like $5 cash back per month, but I was ready to make a splash into the big boy world of credit cards. I did some research into different cards, but ultimately landed on the American Express Delta Reserve Card. I had been flying a lot, mainly on Delta, so it made sense to get one that would help make those flights a more enjoyable experience. And after a lot of conversations with Sas and Francis, the kings of Delta, I decided chasing Delta status would be my new North Star. With this card, I get a SkyMile for every dollar I spend on it, $1 MQD for every $10 I spend on it, and partnerships with like Uber and other shit that give me miles when I use the card with that company. 

Suddenly, my quarter-life crisis that lasted for months after turning 27 was over. My life had meaning again. And that meaning was to accumulate as many SkyMiles and MQDs as I possibly could. The days of struggling to reach Silver Medallion like some fucking peasant were over. I'd have my eyes on gold, maybe Platinum, and hell Diamond wasn't even off the table. With more SkyMiles, I would be able to get free/cheaper flights by using them. And with more MQDs I'd reach higher status which would lead to more upgrades to Comfort Plus and first class. 

And so for the last two years, that has been my life's mission. Spend as much money as humanly possible on this credit card. Pay for anything and everything with this card. Whether it's a $2 soda at a bodega, a Spectrum bill, a meal at a restaurant, or a $900 corduroy couch, everything goes on this purple card. It has led to me picking up bills with friends so I could get the points and then have them Venmo me. It has led to me ordering more ice cream at 11 PM on a Tuesday night. It has led to me making some borderline if not fully irresponsible purchases for things I will never use.

But with every purchase, I do the math in my head. $40 on dinner with an appetizer, entree, tax, tip, and delivery fee? That's okay. That's 40 SkyMiles I can use towards a flight one day. That's $4 MQDs that could be the difference between Gold and Platinum status. Every single dollar I spend now serves a purpose. 

And it's worked. I went from Silver status to Platinum status basically overnight. Comfort Plus upgrades are basically an expectation. First class upgrades are way more rare, but they've happened. And with those four regional upgrade certificates I got for Platinum status? Yeahhhhhh Tommy's been living good.  

And you know why those upgrades feel so good? Because they were earned. There was no guarantee that I'd be sitting in first class or even in Comfort Plus (where you also get free alcohol, a little known fact). I get to feel the adrenaline rush of checking the upgrade list the second I check in. 4 Comfort Plus seats available and I'm 2nd on the list? Things are looking real good. 3 first class seats are open and I'm 3rd on the list? Well let's refresh the list every 2 minutes and make sure I don't get bumped down any further. 1 Delta One seat is available, 2 first class tickets are available, and I'm 3rd on the first class upgrade list? A moron thinks "Fuck I'm toast. Only two first class tickets are available and I'm third. Rats." But a pro like me? I realize that someone already in first class will likely get bumped up to Delta One, opening up a third first class seat that I can now snag as long as I maintain my 3 spot on the list. These are the fun games you get play with yourself. 

And when you pull up the Delta app and see your seat has magically changed to first class from 22D? Incredible. And what's even better: when you scan your boarding pass at the gate and then they print out a first class ticket for you right there! At the buzzer! Pure euphoria. If I was guaranteed first class every flight, sure that would be great, but then I would never attain those feelings of adrenaline and bliss. I would take it for granted. But as the great philosopher Steven Cheah once said, "The sweet ain't so sweet without the sour." 

So that's why not being on the first class list can, in the long term, fulfill you with more joy than being on it. If I was guaranteed to fly first class on every single trip, then what the hell have the last two years of my life all been for? Why have I spent all this money on absolutely useless junk? 

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I've done it for SkyMilles. I've done it for MQDs. I've done it for status. I've done it for those fleeting moments of happiness when it all pays off in an upgrade. And without all that? My life would be meaningless.