Which Wet Pussy Do You SIde With?

Kevin Mazur/MG18. Getty Images.

I was on my way home yesterday, minding my business, when I suddenly got a call from Dave, and he was FURIOUS.

"Large… There is a viral Twitter battle going on between Cardi B and Nikki Minaj that is now nearly a week old, and you haven't blogged a single fucking word about it?!?!"

I immediately knew he was right, but I decided to go into defensive mode, shooting back, "But Dave… There are other guys and gals at Barstool who are FAR more qualified to comment on such a youthful hot-button topic… Why do you insist it should be me who addresses it?"

And he immediately replied, "Because we all know how much you like to write about shit you have no idea about, so stop with the fucking excuses and get to it… STAT!"

And then he hung up before I could say, "Okay, boss… I understand what you're saying, and I'm sorry."

So… For those who weren't aware, there is a gigantic beef brewing on social media between two musical titans that I primarily know only from them bragging about their moist vaginas.

I'll try to break it down like a prize fight…

Ilya S. Savenok. Getty Images.

In the red corner is platinum-selling artist Cardi B, whose musical catalog includes family favorites like SMP (Suck My Pussy) and WAP (Wet Ass Pussy). 

And before you say, "Large… Those two titles you gave us seem extremely inappropriate and perhaps (to some) disgusting." let me try and redeem these bangers by giving you a peek at some of the actual lyrics because song titles can be deceptive.

The first would be the opening lines from SMP…

Suck my pussy, yeah, you know what it mean.
Drip too heavy, make the floor turn clean.

And if you are like me, and are saying to yourself, "What great lyrics!" just wait until you peep some lines from Cardi's magnum opus, WAP…

He got a beard, well, I'm tryna wet it.
I let him taste it, now he diabetic.

Genius shit right there… And a couple of people in my family are diabetic, so that last line, in particular, really hits home.

Jeff Kravitz. Getty Images.

Then over in the teal blue corner is another platinum-selling artist named Nikki Minaj, who has made TENS OF MILLIONS with instant classics like "Anaconda", which contains riveting bars like…

He toss my salad like his name Romaine.

And when we done, I make him buy me Balmain.

(I believe Balmain is a luxury clothing brand, but I don't care enough to Google it.)

And in her smash hit "Slumber Party," we get treated to lyrics like this…

Got that super soaker, pussy pop like cola coca

Plus, it's tighter than a choker, got 'em smilin' like the Joker

One more… This one from "Boss Ass Bitch"…

Pussy like girls, damn, is my pussy gay?

It's a holiday, Play-With-My-Pussy Day.

Pussy this, pussy that, pussy taken.

Pussy ride dick like she a Jamaican.

Pussy stay warm, pussy on vacation.

You loose bitches need a pussy renovation.

You could eat it with a pussy reservation.

Pussy 'bout to get a standin' ovation.

As you can see from that small sample size, these lyrical heavyweights rely heavily on their pussies for inspiration.

This is similar to how Leonardo da Vinci and other artists obviously inspired Andy Warhol in his "The Last Supper" series.

LEX VAN LIESHOUT. Getty Images.

Or Édouard Manet's "Olympia" was inspired by Titian's "Venus of Urbino"…

Alfredo Dagli Orti. Shutterstock Images.

Or how Paul Cézanne found inspiration in the natural world, painting numerous works based on the landscape of the mountain Mont Sainte-Victoire…

Shutterstock Images.

What I'm saying is You would think such common interests and consistent wet-spots would make these two ladies the bestest of friends, but you would be wrong because something set these two ladies into a social media battle where no aspect of their lives was left sacred.

I don't know the origin of this beef, but this most recent dust-up seems to center around Cardi (who is currently VERY pregnant) releasing a new album.

From the clouds, Nikki tweeted a simple "$4.99,” which just so happened to be the promotional price of Cardi's new record. Then Minaj decided to tweak the lyrics to one of Cardi’s singles, “Magnet,” and turn them into a rant about Cardi's extensive plastic surgery and perhaps her affinity for "running trains."

.

ABCDEFG

SUR-GER-REE TO LOOK LIKE MEEEEEE.

Tell the rat & tell J ZEEEEEE.

Rico Fraud & PERJURY.

.

ABCDEFG

Fallin' off the charts wit' a big bellyyyy (remember that Cardi is pregnant)

RUNNING TRAINS Barefoot, still smellyyyyy 

Still. You. Could. Not. Outsell. Me.

.

To which Cardi B tweeted back her own bastardized lyrics to "Magnet," reminding everyone that in 2020, Nikki's brother Jelani Maraj had been sentenced to 25 years to life in prison for raping an 11-year-old girl.

.

ABCDEFG

Your man have to snatch pussy.

Pussy taste like honeycomb.

Your bro be touchin' 12-year-olds.

.

And then that's where their kids got involved, when Nikki posted…

Raw doggin pregnant wit da 4th babeeee 

Barney B. BV. HPVeeeeee Allegedlyyyyyyyyyyyy

.

Now I am not going to pretend I know exactly what this means outside of the fact that she is calling Cardi B "Barney B" and alleging she likes to have unprotected sex while pregnant and possibly having the Human papillomavirus (HPV), which is a common sexually transmitted infection caused by a group of viruses.

And responding to this barb, Cardi struck back with (and I am paraphrasing most of these posts to cut out the majority of unintelligible gibberish).

.

Talkin about my pregnancy… like you wasn’t going to different fertility doctors cuz you couldn’t reproduce from all them percs scrambling your eggs.

.

--- I will take a little break here to tell the 1 or 2 readers still invested in this nonsensical blog that I had no idea this would take so much time to pen. But after 1,000 words and counting, I am feeling pot-committed to finish the fucking thing. The complete lack of grammar between these two geniuses is making my head hurt, and 90% of the references being made are proudly going right over my head, but I will soldier on, nonetheless. ---

Then the insults got more targeted, with Nikki calling Cardi a "dirty HEINEKEN pussy twat" and Cardi responding by telling Nikki, "Your daddy was a crackhead and your brother was raping his stepchild" (I assume that second part was about the aforementioned Jelani Meraj).

At one point, Nikki made fun of one of Cardi's kid's teeth and Cardi shot back, "You’re jealous of my kids because they beautiful and fuckin smart and that’s why god punished you with having a slow ass kid… The only thing you can brag on is hair, you fuckin dummy."

The "slow ass kid" part leads me to believe that Nikki has a child who might be a little behind in his studies, but let's search for other clues in Cardi's tweets…

you just mad cuz your son fav color is 5.. GET TF ON YOU CRACKHEAD

or

Bitch fuck that slow ass son that came out your pussy.. you was wishing so much negativity on me while I was pregnant and look at your karma… look what your rotten pussy produced!! Now he a whole 5 year old tippy toeing around the house and can’t spell his name

And that is where I left the chat because these young ladies are starting to cross lines that I prefer not to follow them over.

So I will end here by asking you… Which wet pussy do you side with…

Cardi B? (seen here scissoring someone named Megan Thee Stallion)

Kevin Winter. Getty Images.

Or Nikki Minaj? (seen here aggressively sunbathing with someone who I believe may also be Megan Thee Stallion)

The choice is yours because I can no longer pretend to give a shit.

Take a report.

-Large