Is Drinking Cow Urine The Answer to America's Problems?

Hindustan Times. Getty Images.

The Week - The All India Hindu Mahasabha president, Swami Chakrapani Maharaj has suggested that if the INDIA alliance wants to win over Hindus, it must organise ‘gau mutra’ (cow urine) parties and also consume the same.

Tensions are high in America right now. Team USA got off to a terrible start in the Ryder Cup. Comedians are off to tell jokes in the Middle East. American football is being ravished by lighting delays. Other way more real things. And nobody seems to have an answer beyond yelling at each other online about it. But the great thing about America, the thing America does better than anyone else, is commandeering the best and brightest people/ideas from other countries and making them our own. Thankfully, there's a man in the ever-thriving nation of India who's got a great one. A man who would never stoop so low as to resort to internet name-calling, because I'm not sure he even has internet access. Sorry India, that was a low blow. I know you have the internet. I've read the Twitter replies. 

But I digress. My point is, the All India Hindu Mahasabha President, Swami Chakrapani Maharaj sees the problems India faces, and instead of getting angry and throwing cow shit (figuratively) at his opposition, he suggests his people turn to the tried and true method of throwing back cow urine (literally) down their own gullets.

He pointed out that all the parties that had come together to form the alliance were anti-Hindu. “Bihar has stopped school holidays on Hindu festivals (including Durga puja); in West Bengal, Hindus are being killed, Swami Prasad Maurya (Samajwadi Party) makes comments against Hinduism, Rahul Gandhi constantly targets ‘sanatan’ and the Congress has said that Lord Ram did not exist while in Delhi maulvis get wages but not pujaris”, he said.

Chakrapani Maharaj said there was no reason for Hindus to trust the alliance, yet it could prove its worthiness by responding to an ‘inner voice’ and throw such parties in which the leaders consume gau mutra (cow urine).

“You throw and attend so many iftar (the meal eaten after sunset during Ramadan) parties, why not a gau mutra (cow urine) party too”, he said. 

He makes a fair point. People break their Ramadan fasts with post-sundown feasts of delicious chicken and rice all the time. So why don't we also drink cow urine?

Before you dismiss this idea as some bizarre eastern tradition with no real world application, or no scientifically proven benefits, keep in mind, drinking cow urine is literally what cured the world of COVID-19.

When COVID-19 first struck India, Chakrapani Maharaj had organized such parties, insisting that gau mutra had the power to protect from any disease.

“The cow is our mother. It is the mother of the whole world. In the cow live all our Gods and Goddesses. It is because of its’ blessings that the world got rid of COVID”, he said.

Any disease? So if cow urine is what ridded the world of covid, then who's to say it isn't a cure for the diseases that plague America? Cancer, diabetes, Alzheimer's, autism. If for some strange reason taking Tylenol from pregnant women doesn't work out, then why not turn to animal piss? According to the first thing I read on Google, the United States has double the rate of autism that India does. I don't necessarily have the hard data to back this up, but if I were to hazard a guess, I'd imagine the rate of cow urine drinking in India is at least twice as high as it is here in states. The math checks out. You can't argue with statistics. 

Additionally, cow urine consumption has been linked to other great causes that the ruling Bhartiya Janata Party espouses. Take the Ram Mandir for instance.

He also linked it to the other great cause that the ruling Bhartiya Janata Party (BJP) espouses- the Ram Mandir.

“What have you done for the Ram Mandir? We were the appellants: we fought for the cause. Why must Hindus believe that if you were to come to power you will not discriminate against them and appease Muslims?”, he said.

Do I have any clue what that means? Sure don't. Do I have any idea how I'm going to tie this blog together in a way that makes even a semblance of a joke/point? Not at all. I simply found an old article about a Swami who believes in cow urine and thought I'd just start typing. But fuck it. Swami Chakrapani Maharaj seems like smart guy. He looks exceptionally sharp in his signature orange dress.

Hindustan Times. Getty Images.

And the last time America was taking advice from a Swami on a regular basis, our country was a far better place. 

Question: Did Chris Berman ever actually wear the Swami hat durning his segment? Or was it just for the pictures? I swear I remember him giving picks in the hat, but I can't find video evidence of it anywhere.

Anyways… there's a politician in India (I think he qualifies as a politician) who wants his people to start drinking cow urine. It cured Covid, and apparently it will cure India. And maybe if we get a few gallons to the Ryder Cup by tomorrow morning, we can turn this thing around (if we haven't already by the time this blog goes up).