PSA San Francisco - Vicious Attack Squirrel at Large, Has Sent Multiple People to Hospital

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Residents of a San Francisco Bay Area city are on the lookout for an aggressive squirrel that has sent at least two people to the emergency room for medical treatment.

Joan Heblack told ABC affiliate KGO-TV that she was walking in the Lucas Valley neighborhood of San Rafael when a squirrel seemingly came out of nowhere and attacked her leg, clawing and biting.

“It clamped onto my leg. The tail was flying up here. I was like, ‘Get it off me, get off me!’,” Heblack said.

It's honestly been a while since I've come across much negative San Francisco-related publicity. I'm fairly certain a quick Twitter search of their city that would prove me instantly wrong. But there was a while there before politics really (for lack of a better term) "popped off", where it seemed like San Francisco was viewed by people as the source of everything wrong with America. The source of all things "woke". A place that was simultaneously the richest, smuggest, and most disgustingly homeless city in America. Where anybody who set foot in Haight-Ashbury was attacked by roving gangs of needle-wielding AIDS-riddled hippies. 

On a kinda different note, I once went to San Francisco as part of this semester long college trip (shoutout GeoJourney). The classes were all very geological & environmentally focused. I remember them telling us something like half the city was built on liquified soil, and any minute now an earthquake would strike and turn the whole place into The Lost City of Atlantis. Still waiting on that one. 

Anyways, there's been a hell of a lot going on in the world lately, and the problems facing (or stemming from) the crumbling metropolis of San Francisco seem to have slipped through the cracks a bit. But not today. Today, San Francisco's problems are as big and scary as ever. 

To be fair, the vicious attack squirrel is not technically living in San Fransisco proper. It resides in the town of San Rafael on the other side of their fancy orange bridge. That's the area of town where real-life Rocky The Flying Squirrel has turned evil and is attacking unsuspecting humans at random. But squirrels are mobile. And this particular squirrel (according to squirrel experts), has apparently broke bad as a result of being overfed by people. He's become food-crazed. So if this adorable little monster is smart, he'll camp out in the back of a pickup truck, wait for the owner to make a trip into town for a clam chowder run, and will be unleashing on havoc on Pier 39 in no time. If he thinks the eating is good in San Rafael, just wait til he discovers the hoards of distracted tourists standing outside with their leftovers as they marvel at the sea lions. 

John G Mabanglo. Shutterstock Images.

Be careful out there San Fransisco. It's been about a week since a reported attack. Which means he's likely crossing the bridge as we speak. Thankfully, squirrels rarely carry rabies. But they can still fuck you up. Squirrels are a real bitch to fight off. 

They're so small and quick. They have long sharp claws. They can leap from the ground to your face in the blink of an eye.

Isabel Campoy also said she was attacked while walking in the same area. The squirrel launched itself from the ground to her face and wound up on her arm, leaving it bloody, she said.

Both women went to the emergency room, the TV station reported in its Monday story.

Flyers have now been posted, warning residents that the squirrel is no joke and that more than five people have been attacked by a ”very mean squirrel” that “comes out of nowhere.”

Kinda like the opposite of a 'drop bear' situation. Remember drop bears? The alleged (but very fake) super koalas that dropped from trees, landed on your head, ripped your eyes out, gave you Chlamydia, etc. They were all over (but not really) the country of Australia. One time some guys convinced a reporter from Scotland that drop bears were real. She got all dressed up in paint ball gear to hold a harmless little koala like a big dumb idiot. 

In conclusion, drop bears = fake. Crazed attack squirrel that's going to have San Francisco BEGGING for a magnitude 10 to strike = VERY real.