You never want to wish death upon someone, HOWEVER...

Jill Connelly. Shutterstock Images.

I meant what I wrote in the first part of the title - You really should never wish death upon someone, unless, of course, that someone REALLY deserves it. So, I'm talking guys like Hitler… Or Bin Laden… Or maybe the guy that made the SNOOZE function on EVERY FUCKING ALARM CLOCK EVER CREATED to be only 9 minutes instead of a gentlemanly 14-17 minutes long.

Outside of those big three, wishing death upon someone you simply think is either an asshole or an inconvenience is a tremendous overreaction… Like blowing out a birthday candle with a firehose.

But, for the record, it isn't to say it's illegal to wish someone would die.

I try to give our editors a break by researching whether my content can get us sued, so when I asked that filthy clanker, Grok, if it was illegal to wish death upon someone in a public forum, they/them immediately responded by saying…

No, generally it is not illegal to wish death upon someone because wishing is a thought, and thoughts are not subject to legal consequences, but it is illegal to make a threat of violence or harm. For example, saying "I hope you die" is not illegal, but saying "I will kill you" is a crime. 

It's a slight nuance—thoughts versus threats—but it's a nuance I will try to exploit today through vague references to pop culture, moving what I am implying further away from the domain of "threats" and further into the realm of "thoughts."

That being said… YOU KNOW WHAT GROUP OF PEOPLE I WISH WOULD EXCLUSIVELY GET WIPED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH DURING THE NEXT THANOS SNAP?

(Thor wouldn't be saying "NO!" if he knew who was being erased this time.)

It's those fucking jerkoff bicycle riders who ride directly at oncoming cars or pedestrians while "popping a wheelie," getting dangerously close before suddenly veering away from them at the last millisecond.

Perhaps you're hearing about them for the first time in this blog, or maybe you've seen these assholes on the news.

Either way, you are now aware these fucking morons exist, and you can join me in wishing for their demise.

Every time I see a clip of kids doing this on the news, I say the same thing you probably say: "Man, I wish that punk would do that to me, and I would punch him in his fucking face as he passed by."

But then it happened to me while I was walking in Manhattan, and I barely had enough time to jump out of the way, much less cock back my fist to hit a kid who was now 10 yards past me, terrifying other pedestrians. 

And then I encountered these little "teaspoons of cum" AGAIN, as I sat in traffic for 35 minutes on the Triboro Bridge while a pride of them menaced oncoming traffic. The wheelie crew piggybacked another unrelated group of mouth breathers protesting some geopolitical atrocity they do not understand… Both of these unassociated groups successfully delayed the rest of the civilized world from getting to work on time.

Giphy Images.

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There are also competitions on public streets where unemployed contestants and a handful of pathetic spectators cheer each other on as some fucking waste of life wastes everyone's time while destroying public property…

Or this clip, titled "I ALMOST HIT THE CAR, INSANE SWERVE!"

In this situation, the word "insane" was a poor choice… I would have gone with something like "fucking stupid."

Listen… I also did a lot of stupid shit as a kid. And I don't really want harm to come to anyone for behavior that might be explained away as "boys will be boys."

But you ride a bike that cost your parents $500, and I drive a car that cost me 80 grand… We're not the same.

You and your bike weigh 250 pounds… My car and I collectively weigh 5,000 pounds.

Do the fucking math and find another fucking hobby… Or just continue doing what you are doing, and perhaps natural selection will step in before Thanos ever has a chance.

Fuck these idiots.

Take a report.

-Large

A new Episode of YOU GOTTA TRY THIS just dropped. I have a guy from an ICONIC spot in Jersey coming on to talk about making a sandwich that would overwhelm Mike Katic…

TAR

-L