Michael Irvin Says He Intentionally Left His $1,000,000 Signing Bonus Check On His Nightstand So Women Would Have Sex With Him

Michael Irvin is a passionate person. He's a crazy person. He's never pretended to be anything else. Watching him prowl the Miami Hurricanes sidelines this past weekend (because Michael Irvin doesn't walk, he prowls), living and dying with every snap, losing his fucking mind when his receivers made big plays...

I thought his presence on Miami's sideline was a delight. Michael Irvin fits what people want the Miami Hurricanes to be so perfectly. He fits what the Dallas Cowboys used to be so perfectly. If you were creating a star NFL diva wide receiver in a lab, he would come out as Michael Irvin.

On a completely unrelated note, Michael Irvin was also notably, at one time, a cocaine guy. Which I'm always fascinated by. It's always fun to learn things like, "Oh yeah, you know Lawrence Taylor? The greatest linebacker in the history of football? Dude was basically smoking crack in the huddle."

If a magical genie appeared in my living room right now to grant me one piece of "sports knowledge" (or something like that), I'd wish for a comprehensive list of professional athletes detailing how much they smoked, drank, snorted, injected, etc. throughout their playing careers. I want to know if they were doing drugs before, during, or after games. I want to know how long it went on for, what specific years they were most out of control, and which games they were exceptionally high for (or drunk, or hungover) so I can go back and watch the highlights. I've always been so curious about that. If we ever get our hands on that list, I know there would be some superstars on it who would blow people's minds.

"Can you believe Peyton Manning was shooting heroin at halftime his whole career? I never would have guessed…"

Things of that nature.

Sorry I got sidetracked from the topic at hand. Which is Michael Irvin leaving his $1,000,000 signing bonus check on his nightstand so women would sleep with him. I'm just not sure that check was assisting Michael Irvin in his sexual conquests quite as much as he thinks it was. Mind you, the check was on his nightstand. Which means by the time women saw the check, Michael Irvin had already gotten them to his bedroom. And I think it's safe to say a big reason he got so many beautiful women to that point, was by leading off the night with, "Hello beautiful woman. I'm rich & famous athlete Michael Irvin of the Dallas Cowboys."

The free all-you-can-eat buffet of cocaine might have played a role as well, but you gotta think roughly 99.99% of the women Michael Irvin was sleeping with knew he was an NFL player. I can't imagine Michael Irvin was shy about that. So I have a hard time believing many women were in Michael Irvin's bedroom thinking, "Oh my stars! He's rich too!? I was going to suggest a game of Crazy 8's, but I think I'll have sex with him now."

These finance people Michael Irvin speaks of must have been livid. "YOU ARE MICHAEL FUCKING IRVIN!!! YOU DON'T NEED THE CHECK TO HAVE SEX!!! LET US INVEST YOUR MONEY!!!"

I'm sure the check didn't hurt the man's chances. But let's not pretend, Michael, that you had the check on your nightstand to "seal the deal". You just wanted to flex that thing to ANYBODY who entered your bedroom. Which to be fair, showing off a $1M check from the Dallas Cowboys must be a pretty good feeling in its own right.

(or maybe I'm wrong and he really did need the check to seal the deal and that explains the whole alleged kerfuffle at the Marriott)