FACT: Swift/Kelce Is The SECOND Biggest Celebrity Engagement In History

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Taylor and Travis getting hitched is HUGE news for MILLIONS throughout the United States and beyond. 

Even the most casual sports fan knows who Travis Kelce is, and Taylor Swift’s popularity (or, at least, recognizability) reaches much further than his. 

Admittedly, the announcement did not move my needle at all, but at my age, my needle doesn’t move as easily as it once did. Still, the whole media blitz surrounding the announcement got my boss excited enough to post something that doesn't involve Ohio State's cowardice and also got one of my co-workers a spot on FOX News. 

(That's pretty fucking great.)

What makes this engagement so big is that not only are both of the people involved popular, but both are from different industries, which increases their influence exponentially. 

Jay Z and Beyoncé getting hitched was also big news, but both being in the music world limited its reach. 

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Similarly, Simone Biles and Jonathan Owens are both recognizable. Still, they are also both famous athletes who a good majority of the world either never heard of or don’t give a shit about. 

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John Krazinsky and Emily Blunt… Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz…Tom Holland and someone named Zendaya… These are all actor-to-actress engagements that probably mean nothing to people who never watched The Office, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, or any of the Spider-Man movies. 

And then there are the royal engagements… Some might argue it gets no bigger than when a prince chooses his princess, but I’ve always looked upon the royal family as a bunch of uninteresting, overpaid, severely inbred mascots, so I’ve never given a single fuck as to who they might be marrying. 

David Bowie and Iman were a combination of the music and modeling worlds, and we can argue that Bowie was infinitely more talented than Taylor. However, at the height of their popularity, both his and Iman's recognizability fell slightly short of our newest power couple. 

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The engagement of David Beckham and Posh Spice was also huge news in the world of sport and music. And although Beckham is arguably a better athlete than Kelce, The Spice Girls never had the staying power that Swift has enjoyed in her career thus far. 

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J-Lo and A-Rod were also a great example of two industries marrying, and J-Lo’s ass has proven to have the longevity that many other celebrity asses could only dream about. 

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But is she bigger than Taylor (talking career, not ass)?… I’m gonna say no. And Travis vs ARod is probably a push. 

So, if all of the celeb engagements I mentioned above fall short of the Swift/Kelce announcement, what couple pushed Taylor and Travis into the number two spot?

Well… If you know anything about history, you’d know that Joe DiMaggio wasn’t just the most popular baseball player in the world back in the 1940s; he was also considered by many to be a cultural icon and an American hero. 

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Travis Kelce is very good at what he does, but he couldn’t hold Joe D’s jock… And I mean that literally because on top of the legendary 56-game hitting streak in 1941, 13 All-Star appearances, and 9 World Series rings, DiMaggio was also in possession of one of the most enormous penises the world has ever seen. 

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I won’t tell the story again, but please Google the time Pete Rose and Joe were entertaining the troops and had to share a shower at the base camp where they were staying. Or just listen to this…

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Big dick aside, Giuseppe Paolo DiMaggio achieved a level of popularity and respect that I don’t think ANY athlete today will ever match. 

So what about the ladies… Is Taylor Swift bigger than Marilyn Monroe?

If you answered YES to that question, congrats on being wrong. 

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Marilyn Monroe was considered the most famous woman in the world in the 1950s and a dominant Hollywood star and icon of her era, with her fame continuing to be MONUMENTAL today. 

I am asking you now to pull out your future-seeing crystal ball and tell me if Taylor Swift will still be as popular or recognizable 65 years after her death as Marilyn Monroe is right now (she died nearly 65 years ago). 

Plus, she banged a fucking married US President (allegedly), for Christ’s sake!

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And if you wanna compare love stories, time will tell, but even though Joe’s marriage to Monroe only lasted 9 months, he remained so fucking madly in love with this beautiful junkie that he orchestrated a small, private funeral for his ex-wife on August 8, 1962, barring the public and most of the Hollywood elite, whom he blamed for her death. 

They divorced 8 years prior, but HE was the one who paid for her casket and HE chose her burial dress and headstone… AND FOR TWENTY FUCKING YEARS after her death, Joe had red roses delivered to her crypt three times a week. 

Now, is that a Love Story?… Baby, just say, “Yes.”

Look, I don’t want to rain on any Swiftie’s parade. 

Nor do I want to diminish the enormity of this celebrity engagement. 

But for anyone who thinks this is the biggest celebrity engagement of all time, you don’t lack common sense… You just lack historical reference. 

And if you wanna say that Kelce finally “buying the cow” is the biggest announcement in recent memory, that is 100% true. 

But Joe D plus Marilyn will always be the most significant celebrity engagement of all time… Period… No notes. 

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Take a report. 

-Large

You wanna talk a little more about historical “wives and girlfriends”?… The Twisted History of WAGs just dropped, and it is fucking fantastic. 

TAR 

-L